Can We All Just Get Along?

Q: Perhaps the next question should be "Can we ALL get along?"

Regards,

Snarky 80

A: Dear "Accident"

In this wonderful time of year, the Holiday cheer, the message of Christmas and the desire to be warm to each other despite the chill outside, fills our hearts with depression. We want to share our love for one another, come together and be a little kinder. Some of us, hot chocolate kissing our lips, glitter spread across our kiesters, and fit into sweats to accommodate our expanding Holiday waist lines, take up the call to arms of Rodney King and ask if "can we all get along?"

And then that SUV cuts you off for the last parking space at the mall.

No.

We cannot all get along.

And there are three profound scientific reasons we cannot.

1. Phermones: Yes, those pesky little chemical triggers we release that inspire a natural response in other people. And I'm not talking about post-eggnog exhaust. There are the territorial markers that tell us to keep away or else. Which is why the 100 Hr Board has taken up marking the outside of our cars when we park in parking lots. All it takes is a couple of sodas. Just mind the frost. There are also epideictic pheramones that let other women know, "uh-uh you best not be touching my man and home. This is my crib girlfriend." (I think the chemical even does a little head shake too, while the extended molecular arm waves its chemical finger - so to speak). Of course there are sexual pheramones that start fights, scuffles, couch-sleeping and even inter-galactic war. It isn't the man's fault his head turns to look at a cute younger woman honey - chemistry made me do it. Releaser pheramones may even attract mates up to 2 miles away. Which explains the need for me to visit Quick Chek and eat a sausage-egg-cheese-hotsauce-breakfast sandwhich I am so attracted to. So, all those not-getting-along sessions can be attributed to pesky chemical markers. So next time you get someone angry or can't pick up a date - check your pheramones.


2. Pedigree Colapse: Why is it you don't have billions of ancestors, when the math suggests you should? Given the increase in ancestors when you start counting grandparents, and the lot of greats before them, you would think you had lots of fore-fathers. Something like 3 million around the black plague time. The thing is, as you move back you start getting common ancestors. For example, statistically 70% of those 3 million ancestors are really some of the same people. Your family tree actually looks more like a diamond. In short. You are inbred. We all are. And we are all related. Think of it as a giant family Thanksgiving dinner. No one can expect to make it to dessert before Uncle Buck starts a thermonuclear war over the last drumstick. Or Cousin Alice starts suicide bombing your sister about past bad-boyfriends. That pesky DNA (common DNA) will keep us from getting along. It's fate. Or rather genes.


3. Law and Order Reruns: Is it really a coincidence that there is a direct correlation between the number of Law and Order shows currently on TV (or in reruns) and the population growth? Or proportional with the increase in violence in the latter part and early part of the last 2 Centuries. Coincidence? Hardly. Current scientific study suggests that every time Robert Gorn of Criminal Intent makes a snarky comment, three cities in the world disappear off the face of the earth. If he tilts his head to the side, then you can also expect an earthquake in the region above a 7.0 on the Rhicter scale. It is also not widely known but the very relationship between Israel and the Arab Middle East hinges on the relationship between Elliot Staler and his on-again-off-again wife. Only until recently with the presidential campaign of red Thompson did people realize the profound effect on politics from the show. Elections are lost or won based on whether the jury at the end of an episode acquits. In fact, there is a persistent rumor in the scientific community that suggests that if the show ends without finding the killer (whether they are convicted or not), then there will be an invasion somewhere. And I think that tides are affected by Sam Waterston's tie choice. So you may not like the all day line-up of NY crime. But beware. Some think if you cancel it, a large black hole will open up in the earth's core. Of course some people think this is all hog wash and attribute all the same to CSI. There is something to be said about Horatio Cae's sun glasses and global warming.

So - to answer your question. No we cannot just get along. With things like floating chemical lures that AKE me look at her butt out there, unending L&O reruns that drive a man insane and cause mass murder, or the fact that I'm related to boss in some distant way will force us to always fight and argue.

There is one bright spot though. One cure out there. It comes from a much maligned, holiday film staring a recently displaced man raised by elves who walked throught the 7 layers of the candy cane forest and through the Lincoln Tunnel. Yes, Elf. It is known as the Code of the Elvs:
1. Treat Every Day Like Christmas.

2. There's Room For Everyone on the ice List.

3. The Best Way to Spread Christmas Ceer is Singing Loud for All to Hear.

There is hope after all. Thanks Budddy!

100 HRB

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Holy Questions Batman

Q: 100 Hour Board,


Couple of questions:

1. Since when did Lief turn into a bearded Vin Diesel- even with a Triple X Shield?
2. Since we're on history- please explain how the Phoenician's were able to live in such peace considering the Romans, King David, Alexander the Great, Babylonians, Assyrians, Hittites,Nebuchadnezzar etc. were surrounding them?
2b. Why after years of peaceful living with mercenaries doing the fighting did the Phoenicians turn to Carthaginians who were war like and pretty much almost successfully conquered the largest power in the world, namely Rome? Seems like a huge paradigm shift- what happened?


(To be continued)


A: Dear Inquisitive,


Let's slow down on all the questions (since these were 3 of 5 you asked in one shot). I can answer this, so let's take this one step at a time.


1. There are no known pictures of Lief. Or depictions. So who is to say he isn't a buff looking viking? Vin Diesel though is bald. So I don't get the confusion. The Triple X has less to do with Vin being a bad-$%# spy and more to do with viking women. (Have you been to Denmark!) Though there is something wrong with the pictures. Horns. Horns weren't typical for vikings - they get in the way of war.

2. Sounds like you know a lot about Phoenician history. Enough to be dangerous.

Historians have traditionally ignored this people, for a variety of good reasons. The chief of which being the answer to your question. They are the proverbial wusses of history. Ie. they paid their way out of being bullied. But were at least smart enough to make money at the same time. (Otherwise your life as a bully boxing bag is short lived).

The Phoenician empire was a rather loose connection of city-states sharing only a new language and similar financial goals, started roughly around 1500 BC. This amorphous group already suggests a reason for living peacefully. Even if one city were conquered by one of the neighbors, it doesn't mean the end. Which is why they are considered to end in 539, no 332, no 286...ok the last city fell in 65BC to Rome.

But in reality they survived solely by buying off the aggressors. The Israelites (as noted in the Bible) with cedars and gold (and a palace), the Assyrians (a whole lot to them), the Babylonians (ie. Nebuchadnezzar, to limited effect), the Persians, Egyptians, and so on. A lot of milk money spent on keeping bullies away. They tried to bluff sometimes, but generally capitulated.

This could only last so long and eventually the Persians, Alexander the Great, Rome, Egypt and others conquered them.

The city of Carthage did step out of the norm and these Phoenicians tried to be aggressive. They attacked the Greeks in Sicily and Italy in retaliation of raids - and were basically pwned on the battlefield. But later, after the fall of most of Phoenicia, they went on to fight the Punic Wars (think Hannibal and the elephants sacking Rome). Why the difference? Well, several reasons: they watched their brother cities get destroyed, they were the largest city of the empire and a little arrogant, they had the most to loose in controlled colonies.

The real sad part? Carthage should have learned. In peace they prospered. When they grew fat and attacked others, they eventually lost. Until their very city was razed and the earth salted. Hmmm...maybe something to learn there. In a nutshell.

There is an interesting essay about 'what if' and Carthage's aggression here.

Regards,

The Answer King

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War for the White House 2008

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,

Who is the 100 Hour Board voting for, for president?

Regards,

Inquiring Minds

A: Dear Inquisitive,

The 100 Hour Board maintains complete political neutrality in this confusing time. So the private matter of the 100 Hour Board's candidate of choice shall remain such. Private.

But it doesn't really matter, as this insider report from Onion Network News shows.

Regards,

One of the Shadowy Overlords

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Respect My Authoritah

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:

2 Questions:

a. Who will win the 2008 presidential election? More importantly who will the VP be?(I'm thinking a Romney/Clinton ticket. ;/)

b. Why in heavens name does blogger need to have word verifications? What are their purpose? Why, oh, why must they be on the otherwise wonderful 100 hour board?

Finally, who decides what the verifications are? Computer generated or human- I've gotten some pretty funky ones.

I HATE WORD VERIFICATIONS-This has got to stop!!!!!

Regards,

"I Like Big [Turtle] Butts"

A: Dear Caboose Aficionado

My toddler pointed out to me that you did not ask 2 questions, but rather 6.

In light of this, the 100 Hour Board will take 600 Hours to answer your questions, exactly 25 days, luckily after Super Tuesday polling.

That being said, the 100HB is not a fortune teller, and cannot tell you what will be, however much that outcome is desired. As for political pundit, it seams the only requirement to be one is to not have a brain, so the 100HB cannot be that either. The Board does however offer you some insite:

a) The front runners right now are Obama for the Dems with 38 delegates (though Clinton is close with 36) and Romney for the Repubs with 72 (next is McCain with 38). The issues regarding state polling are key in each state, as they've helped generate surprises and uniqueness to the primaries. A cross-party ticket is unlikely, mainly because a candidate can't be of the party anymore to run on the other ticket. However the possible entrance of Bloomberg will be interesting. In the 100 Hour Board's opinion - the election will be between Clinton/Edwards and McCain/Romney. Although which is VP and P on the ticket is not clear.

b) From Blogger, "What [Word Verification] this does is to prevent automated systems from adding comments to your blog, since it takes a human being to read the word and pass this step. If you've ever received a comment that looked like an advertisement or a random link to an unrelated site, then you've encountered comment spam. A lot of this is done automatically by software which can't pass the word verification, so enabling this option is a good way to prevent many such unwanted comments." Those bloggers who are more senior and experienced (ie been blogging longer than October 2007, have had issues with spam comments. Word verification makes moderating easier. Please see previous posts regarding the 100 Hour Board and comment posting to help preserve the nature of the question/answer format.

Finally, word verifications come from the same place Family Guy jokes do (as referenced by South Park). Manatees in a giant tank select balls with letters on them in random order. Each sequence then becomes a word to verify against.

100HB

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