Freshman Orientation 101

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:

I'm a new user, but like what I see. But I have to ask you:

Isn't it a little presumptive to label the post "funny," not that it wasn't, but still? [In reference to the 'farts are funny' comments]

oh, by the way please remove the blog owner approval of comments. it's annoying and stifles creativity

BL

A: Dear "I'm only a civil engineer, so please excuse me"

I'll talk slowly so you can follow. :)
The 100 Hour Board is both omniscient and metaphysically omnipotent. That is the 100 Hour Board knows perfectly what is funny or not, and can therefore apply the appropriate labels. The metaphysically omnipotent part comes from an ability to change reality if needs be. So, what the 100 HB says is funny - is. And if you didn't find it as such - then you've lost your funny bone, become boring, or are actually the butt of the joke. (you'll notice I've labeled the post as stupid and board - the stupid is obvious - and that is 'board' not 'bored'.)

As for moderated comments, they are there for 2 reasons:

1. To prevent ad spam from annoying blog spammers
2. So that questions are moderated and kept hidden until the response is given. Although random comments are authorized rather quickly as needed.

If you don't like it, then you can suffer in the darkness of ignorance without our help.

"The light in the darkness" 100 Hour Board

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Inside Out

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
Apparently, that is some sort of really cool inside joke, Scoreboards. [In reference to the post "Pedal Your Way to Taxes")
Which leads to the question, how do inside jokes differ from any other jokes? Just because two people know it rather than 3 or more?Please explain to me the difference.
Sincerely,
The Butt

A: Dear Butt of the Joke

Inside jokes are not numerically specified. In-jokes are only identified by requiring a priori information in order to understand the humor. The group sizes can be large (although at least must be one less than the number of people on earth to be designated an 'inside joke'. Unless of course all living people have an in-joke, excluding all the dead or unborn ones. But that seems unlikely). Groups include; friends, family, frats, clubs, professions, races, communities, businesses, aficionados, and so on.
That you aren't in the know on these jokes just demonstrates the horribly lonely life you must lead. Just remember, they are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you. I suppose you could even have an inside joke with yourself - or with someone like Gwitter.
And no, the scoreboard joke was not an in-joke, just required mental acuity.
I offer you several examples of inside jokes:

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are sitting around and one of them says "It says here that Professor X has come up with a new theorem that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime". Each person present thinks to himself:
Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by Mathematical induction.
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime...
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ...
Mechanical engineer: 3 is prime, 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 6 is prime...
Computer engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...

or

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

Now these are highly dependent on your scientific foreknowledge. I'll let you decipher them. But I think they're funny. (Especially the computer engineer... :) )

Or one of my favorite is Isaac Asimov's work on tiotimoline, that is so soluble in water, it actually dissolves 1.12 seconds before it comes in contact with it. (Because of the 2 carbon atoms that project into the future and into the past). But I save that for a different post.
Oh and if you don't like this post you can go hopscotch with a camel (you'd get that if you only knew).
Best Regards,
100 Hour Board

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Not exactly white on white ties...

Q: Dear Sultan of All Knowledge,

If one wanted to hire a hitman? I mean literally given our situation, how would you find one?

Regards,

Looking to do '80' years

A: Dear My Ever Growing Felon,

Oh my, oh my. Who in your life has gotten so under your skin you want to bump them off? Did you want it nice and clean - perhaps a bomb hooked to the car ignition, or slow and painful...perhaps a la SAW style? Your choice?
It is obviously not in the interest of the 100 Hour Board to offer any advice that may lead directly or indirectly to illegal activities. And even if we did, who knows if it will lead you to life sans your nemesis, or life behind bars. ;)
The news is full of stories of idiots who tried to go to the local divebar and hire them a hitman. Usually it works like this...ask a non-reputable friend, preferably one who has done time, if they know someone in the business. They go to the police. They even videotape your conversations as a future keepsake. And then a horrible news article is written about why you wanted to kill your husband because he wouldn't stop chewing gum.
Occasionally there are websites set up offering various hitman services, even some that profess to use humane 'treatments' that have never been tested on animals. Some are real - and lead to an embarrassing arrest - others obvious jokes. Craigslist may be a good start. "YSWM looking for contract work. I like long walks on the beach and using a .22 cal, silenced gun."
One guy looked in the paper, not for classifieds but for the latest person up on racketeering charges. Might as well go to the mob I suppose. (The same idea if you walked into any North Jersey diner. It may even be on the menu - have you seen those menus!)
My best bet is to try the local experts. Call the police. I bet they know the best contract killers in the area, even the going rates. And again, they'll videotape your meetings to guarantee good business. You may even get a pair of shiny bracelets for free.
Regards,
100 Hour Board
We are not liable for any advice or activities taken from or suggested in the above article.

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Unoriginal

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sincerely,
No Imagination

A: Dear Simple Minded

It's unfortunate that you waste the incredible powers of the 100 Hour Board on such simple questions that can be answered with little research or real travail. But...I will stoop to that level because no body is asking real questions.

A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
or
Ms. Woodchuck recently saw religion and has decided that given the impending doom of global warming, that felling trees just for the sake of 'woodchucking' is a horrible idea. It will undoubtedly lead to an influx in CO2 in the air, warmer temperatures and perhaps the cataclysmic winter predicted by Hollywood (no coincidence it is 'wood'). So our friend has decided to actively take up environmental activism, even to a terroristic level, and is no longer chucking wood. It began lightly with relying on recycled chucked wood - or upchucked wood - but has since led to wood alternatives like soak (like a soy version of oak). It's no where near as flavorful but can be slightly nutritious. Following these moves, she has decided to join a woodchucking commune or kibbutz to further the cause of earth good will and woodchuck free-love. It was recently discovered by the USDA Forest Service that she is involved in enviro-terrorist activities. It includes dousing loggers with wood stains - they prefer blue - like my wife, as also the destruction of any post-commercial wood product. So if you see a woodchuck in your neighborhood, beware...she just make attack you for building a house of wood, using paper and frankly giving off CO2.

Now...for the other question...
The chicken first contemplated crossing the road in 1847 in The Knickerbocker monthly magazine. So apparently before this time roads didn't exist, chickens didn't exist or chickens didn't even consider crossing the road. However, from this time there has been an influx of philosophical discussions on whether poultry should consider it necessary to cross the road.
Now the answers, like all philosophical fried froth, are varied, and I offer my favorite. Just realize, before you, dear readers, get angered over no real answer, metaphysical conversations have no known answer, and I'm afraid that Cluckrates, Ploultro, Henselm and Thomas Achickenus will debate this forever via Harvard's Philosophical Journal. So no...no definitive - this is the reason - but some light shed on the questions.
S0 my favorite:
Central Intelligence Agency: "We can neither confirm nor deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident."
Others:
Karl Marx: "The chicken was driven by the lash of economic necessity."
Amelia Earhart: "She could have flown."
Martin Luther King Jr.: "I have a dream that one day chickens will be able to cross roads without having their motives called into question."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, The chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed, I've not been told!
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Regards,
Thoroughly To Snide This Morning

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