Whirling Johns

Q: Dear All-Wise-100-Hr-Board,

I have heard (but have never traveled far enough to confirm) that when above the equator a toilet flushes in the opposite direction than from below the equator. Is this true?


If so, what occurs when you are located AT the equator?
 
Sincerely,
Flushed Away
 
A: Dear Swirly,
 
Who says they use toilets south of the equator? Or even AT the equator for that manner? Seeing as you have not traveled beyond the confines of your particular commodal region, you may not be aware what occurs in Australia. What do you think wombats are designed for? Which is why Tazmanian Devils are so very feared lest you confuse the two in the middle of the night. All of South America actually uses small buckets that magically teleport the...umm..leftovers to a specific septic tank in the 1000 Islands that magically needs extra pumping every year. And as you near the border, well...trophies are dried, shipped to Seattle and used as in high-price grande soy mocha latte.
 
We jest. Toilets in the Northern Hempisphere rotate counterclockwise, clockwise in the Southern. That is the whole toilet gets up and spins in only one direction. And then puts thier who selves in...their whole selves out... Ok...they flush in those respective directions. So at the border things just go straight down. Quickly. So watch the hands.
 
How do we know this? From watching hurricanes and cyclones that rotate similarly. Using deduction and gross-literary allegories we know that toilets behave similarly (gross...ha ha). What's good for the cyclones good for the crapper. If you know what I mean. I mean we give both of them men's names? Really...don't we consider the Gulf of Mexico our common WC? Coincidence? I think not.
 
Back in 1984 a group of MIT engineers and physicists undertook a NIS funded project to study this phenomena. Although fluid mechanics is central to engineers' studies (and essentially most civil engineers end up spending their career designing oversized toilet systems - HA BRIAN!), the real reason for the study arose from a debate on hair styling post swirlies. There was a worry that if an Aussie bloke gave you a swirlie while visiting a conference on Crocco effect in fluid dynamics (or a Star Trek convention Kirk) down under, you may not be able to adequately return to your 30 year old hairstyle. German nerds avoided this issue years ago by removing any toilet bowl and installing shelves. Trust me..I'll risk wet hair!
 

Surprisingly it was discovered that in fact the toilet bowls aren't large to come under the hyptonizing Coriolis effect. (Or that is, it is extremely neglibigle. Like spitting into the wind of a hurricane to mix analogies) The Coriolis effect is a 'fictional force' that is how straight movement on something rotating is perceived in another reference frame. Commonly we recognize this as air rotating in a low pressure storm - hurricane or cyclone (ruled by Buys-Ballot's law). Basically, hurricanes are huge and last around several days so the rotation of the earth effects the winds flowing towards the low pressure point to curve them. In the North you see this as counterclockwise storms, clockwise in the South. On the equator: nada - but only exactly there.

Turns out toilets, sinks, bathtubs (yes even jacuzzi tubs), swimming pools and the like are way too small to be effected or noticed. (Unless you live in a crapper).

 

 

"But my toilet swirls counterclockwise!" you say in consternation (NOT constipation). Well, the swirls are actually caused by the way the toilet flushes. Or small disturbances when the drain is plugged. So sorry, no dice. Toilets generally behave the same no matter the geography.

 

Although, in the 1930's British scientists did study the effect in bathtubs in very controlled experiments and found a very minimal effect to draining. Only the Brits have that much time on their hands. And week old bath water. Although we did watch a great video from 1961 of Ascher Shapiro demonstrating drains and how to calculate velocity vectors. But that's a little dry for most people. (Dry?!! We are too funny!) (In case you need to sleep watch the video Vorticity Part 1) More info here and here.

 

But this is ok. You won't believe what happens to toilets in Japan! Watch out! And of course I found this one that isn't about toilets flushing - but fun.
 
Sincerely,
Your WC Director

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Just Hot Air

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why are farts so funny?

Flat U. Lance

A: Dear Gassy,

The 100 Hour Board finds nothing funny about natural methane regulation. It is just part biological processes. Whether they are loud, whiny, sneaky, smelly, acidic, caustic, blubbering or just inconvenient. Although it appears that a good number of people enjoy a good chuckle with gas humor. Perhaps it is a throw back to our immature days. Or maybe there's a bit of laughing gassed mixed in. We offer the fact that people generally find surprises funny. All jokes are generally wrapped around a surprise. Add on to the fact that we are all a little embarrased. Another humor inspiring situation.
But the 100 Hour Board is not without humor - so enjoy:





Regards,
100 "Oh I can clear a room Vern" Board

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On the First Day of Christmas...Nothing

Q: Hrb:

I am a newly devoted reader to your sage page so if this inquisition has been posed before I beg your forgiveness. Tis the season to be jolly so I thought I would ask a question about Christmas. Why is it I never get what I want?

Yours truly

From a blue blue christmas gift guy!!!

A: Dear Recipient of the Anthracite Stocking Stuffer:

It's tough when you don't get what it is you want. Buck up kid. It'll happen. So let's look at the issues involved with not getting what you wanted from Santa.

1. You're asking for too much. Really, do you expect to get an Aston Martin in a red bow. Please...I don't care how James Bond you are
2. You are asking for something embarrassing to buy. No one wants to be seen in a knitting store, let alone get you a gift certificate there. Or one from Hooters, or from a pet outfit store
3. It's just not called for. Asking for a homemade, pet-sized guillotine is just wrong. So, so wrong.
4. You've been bad. Cheated on your taxes, embezzled, cut someone off on the road, took a grocery cart from an old lady. You name it. Should have made the good list.
5. You're too vague. No one can interpret a request of 'get me something nice,' or 'you know me'. And world peace is nice, but doesn't fit in a box.
6. You moved and didn't send Santa your new address.
7. Santa just doesn't like you. Did you spit on him at the mall? Maybe you peed on his lap as a kid.
8. No body loves you. Not even the man with a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly
9. You actually are getting what you want but your kids are stealing all of them.
10. Your wife burned them all when you forgot her birthday

This covers a good deal of the possible reasons.

Now in case you are interested in what the 100 Hour Board wants for Christmas, here is a short list:

• A female blog to marry - preferably slim, in pink, sexy and a good cook
• The Portable Professor series lectures to learn more
• The Celestron SkyScout - so cool (and the source of the geeky-cool question)
• A trip by Abercrombie & Kent to Patagonia

100 Ho-Ho-Ho Board

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Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Q: Dear 100 HRB,

Can one be geeky AND cool?

Regards,

Looking for Balance

A: Dear Inquisitor,

This is a difficult juxtaposition you inquire about. We know plenty of just geeky people, generally the pejorative term for intelligent people. They are intellectually enlightened scientists, mathematicians, and yes even geeky car mechanics (like those who can put an engine together in 2 hours with a blindfold on). I suppose any dedication to the indepth knowledge of some topic inspires geekiness, be it physics or comics.

What exactly defines coolness then? Call it what you like; flave, cool, hipness (is that still a term?). I think it revolves mostly around being interesting. Interesting enough that you want to hang out with them, learn from them and just be in their very company. That is cool. It inspires imitation - what defines trends. And you can't manufacture it, you either have it or you don't. It's in your blood, or not. (Side note: The 100 Hour Board sees such a shortage of flave in the world that it regularly goes and donates extra at the local hospital.)

Geeky chief example: Stephen Hawking (yes he's geeky, would you awknowledge him at a party if he called out to you?)

Cool chief example: MC Hammer. (you wanted those pants, but would you let him trim your bushes?), or Sean Connery for the older group.

But can you have both?

Maybe, just maybe. How about those rare gems that are interesting AND you learn something from. Like Alton Brown, the cool king of geeky chefs. That defines geeky and cool. (He even has his own emoticon #8-) ). or maybe the Professor Fink from the Simpsons.

Speaking of the Simpsons - they offer some advice on getting to be cool (even if you are geeky).

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.

Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.

Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square".

Lisa: That song is so lame.

Homer: So lame that it's... cool? Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Am I cool, kids?

Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?

Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.

Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.

Bart: Well, sure you do.

Lisa: How else would you know?

If you want a definitive answer, look no further than Potop on his blog. There is the beautiful mixture of cool AND geeky (if only slightly so). The inspiring prose is both interesting AND informative. His coolness can be seen from space. If he mails a letter without postage, it still gets through. If interesting were a gland, his would be bigger than most men's lower intenstines.

So, yes! You can have your cake and eat it too. It's a great life goal.

Sincerely,

100 Hour "Oozing Coolness" Board

PS - the picture is the timeline of coolness (or at least one example of it.)

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Inside Out

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
Apparently, that is some sort of really cool inside joke, Scoreboards. [In reference to the post "Pedal Your Way to Taxes")
Which leads to the question, how do inside jokes differ from any other jokes? Just because two people know it rather than 3 or more?Please explain to me the difference.
Sincerely,
The Butt

A: Dear Butt of the Joke

Inside jokes are not numerically specified. In-jokes are only identified by requiring a priori information in order to understand the humor. The group sizes can be large (although at least must be one less than the number of people on earth to be designated an 'inside joke'. Unless of course all living people have an in-joke, excluding all the dead or unborn ones. But that seems unlikely). Groups include; friends, family, frats, clubs, professions, races, communities, businesses, aficionados, and so on.
That you aren't in the know on these jokes just demonstrates the horribly lonely life you must lead. Just remember, they are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you. I suppose you could even have an inside joke with yourself - or with someone like Gwitter.
And no, the scoreboard joke was not an in-joke, just required mental acuity.
I offer you several examples of inside jokes:

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are sitting around and one of them says "It says here that Professor X has come up with a new theorem that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime". Each person present thinks to himself:
Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by Mathematical induction.
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime...
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ...
Mechanical engineer: 3 is prime, 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 6 is prime...
Computer engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...

or

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

Now these are highly dependent on your scientific foreknowledge. I'll let you decipher them. But I think they're funny. (Especially the computer engineer... :) )

Or one of my favorite is Isaac Asimov's work on tiotimoline, that is so soluble in water, it actually dissolves 1.12 seconds before it comes in contact with it. (Because of the 2 carbon atoms that project into the future and into the past). But I save that for a different post.
Oh and if you don't like this post you can go hopscotch with a camel (you'd get that if you only knew).
Best Regards,
100 Hour Board

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When Hell Freezes Over

Q: Dear Master 100 Hour Board:

If you were a masochist in life, wouldn't it be a reward to be sent to hell and punishment to be sent to heaven?

Signed,
Please hurt me

A: Dear Sadist of the Self

A sadist and a masochist meet at a bar. After several drinks the masochist suggests that the take off, go to his house and 'have fun'. The sadist replies, "no."

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:"Cindy, you have sinned."

I hope you see the wisdom in there somewhere.

Regards,
I'll visit you from heaven

PS
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

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