Hmmm...

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,

I have a question in the queue - when will you answer it?

Regards,
Outraged

A: Dear Overly Excited Reader

The 100 Hour Board is leaving town for 1 week. After this time the 100 Hour Board will come back and answer your questions. Basically, the board has frozen the clock now and will restart it in about 1 week. Sorry - will be in a different time zone - heck a different continent. Yep, 100 hour board is off to Germany to learn more.
Til then.

Hundert Stunde Board

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Just Hot Air

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why are farts so funny?

Flat U. Lance

A: Dear Gassy,

The 100 Hour Board finds nothing funny about natural methane regulation. It is just part biological processes. Whether they are loud, whiny, sneaky, smelly, acidic, caustic, blubbering or just inconvenient. Although it appears that a good number of people enjoy a good chuckle with gas humor. Perhaps it is a throw back to our immature days. Or maybe there's a bit of laughing gassed mixed in. We offer the fact that people generally find surprises funny. All jokes are generally wrapped around a surprise. Add on to the fact that we are all a little embarrased. Another humor inspiring situation.
But the 100 Hour Board is not without humor - so enjoy:





Regards,
100 "Oh I can clear a room Vern" Board

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By the Beads

Q: Dear 100 HB:

How do you use an abacus?

Signed,

Calculator Challenged

A: Dear Antiquity Minded Mathematician

The 100 HB did not know how to use an abacus before this question, and it did take some time to understand the fundamentals of abaci usage. First off, abacus is a Middle English version of a Latin word abax (calculating table). But it is thought to come from Hebrew and Phoenician words for dust. However, the abacus has developed in parallel in multiple cultures, with some in the Middle East, Asia and Europe. The Russian version most know has parallel, horizontal strings with beads of different colors. The Chinese version - most often used now - has vertical strings with an upper section used for 5's.

Before I get into describing how to use the abacus, there are some fundamentals to know. An abacus is NOT a calculator - it does not give you a mathematical answer. The abacus is a tool to help break down calculations into manageable pieces that are easy to go through. The idea is to make math as simple as needed to require little thinking. It will then keep track of your work.

Usually each string is a different units holder: ones, tens, hundreds, etc. Although you can build an abacus with a different base unit all the time. Each bead represents one (or sometimes 5) or any other number you want. These are what you keep track with.

Now...on to math on the abacus. You can do addition, subtraction, division and multiplication fairly easy on the abacus. With some work you can also do square roots and the like. Basically for addition and subtraction: you set the number you will add to (or take from) on your abacus and begin adding the other number one unit place at a time. The abacus can help you carry digits easily (you can use a concept of the residual number - ie. you are adding 6 to 7, clear the 7 and subtract 4 - the residual or 10 minus 6 - after you add a tens digit).

Example: 135 + 321 = 456
Step 1: With rod H acting as the unit rod, set 135 on rods FGH. (Fig.12)
Step 2: Add 3 to hundreds rod F.Step 3: Add 2 to tens rod G.Step 4 and the answer: Add 1 to units rod H leaving the answer 456 on rods FGH. (Fig.13)

For higher functions (like multiplication and division) you actually set both numbers on the abacus spaced apart.

Now instead of laying out a whole discussion here I point you in two directions. The first is an excellent tutorial on each of the functions. The second is an online abacus you can play with.

• Abacus: Mystery of the Bead
• Online Abacus

The whole concept is actually kind of neat, and once you get into the hang of it, you can move along nicely. Just note - to use it you must now single digit addition, subtraction, division and times tables. Otherwise you won't find it helpful at all.

100 Hour Board

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On the First Day of Christmas...Nothing

Q: Hrb:

I am a newly devoted reader to your sage page so if this inquisition has been posed before I beg your forgiveness. Tis the season to be jolly so I thought I would ask a question about Christmas. Why is it I never get what I want?

Yours truly

From a blue blue christmas gift guy!!!

A: Dear Recipient of the Anthracite Stocking Stuffer:

It's tough when you don't get what it is you want. Buck up kid. It'll happen. So let's look at the issues involved with not getting what you wanted from Santa.

1. You're asking for too much. Really, do you expect to get an Aston Martin in a red bow. Please...I don't care how James Bond you are
2. You are asking for something embarrassing to buy. No one wants to be seen in a knitting store, let alone get you a gift certificate there. Or one from Hooters, or from a pet outfit store
3. It's just not called for. Asking for a homemade, pet-sized guillotine is just wrong. So, so wrong.
4. You've been bad. Cheated on your taxes, embezzled, cut someone off on the road, took a grocery cart from an old lady. You name it. Should have made the good list.
5. You're too vague. No one can interpret a request of 'get me something nice,' or 'you know me'. And world peace is nice, but doesn't fit in a box.
6. You moved and didn't send Santa your new address.
7. Santa just doesn't like you. Did you spit on him at the mall? Maybe you peed on his lap as a kid.
8. No body loves you. Not even the man with a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly
9. You actually are getting what you want but your kids are stealing all of them.
10. Your wife burned them all when you forgot her birthday

This covers a good deal of the possible reasons.

Now in case you are interested in what the 100 Hour Board wants for Christmas, here is a short list:

• A female blog to marry - preferably slim, in pink, sexy and a good cook
• The Portable Professor series lectures to learn more
• The Celestron SkyScout - so cool (and the source of the geeky-cool question)
• A trip by Abercrombie & Kent to Patagonia

100 Ho-Ho-Ho Board

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Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Q: Dear 100 HRB,

Can one be geeky AND cool?

Regards,

Looking for Balance

A: Dear Inquisitor,

This is a difficult juxtaposition you inquire about. We know plenty of just geeky people, generally the pejorative term for intelligent people. They are intellectually enlightened scientists, mathematicians, and yes even geeky car mechanics (like those who can put an engine together in 2 hours with a blindfold on). I suppose any dedication to the indepth knowledge of some topic inspires geekiness, be it physics or comics.

What exactly defines coolness then? Call it what you like; flave, cool, hipness (is that still a term?). I think it revolves mostly around being interesting. Interesting enough that you want to hang out with them, learn from them and just be in their very company. That is cool. It inspires imitation - what defines trends. And you can't manufacture it, you either have it or you don't. It's in your blood, or not. (Side note: The 100 Hour Board sees such a shortage of flave in the world that it regularly goes and donates extra at the local hospital.)

Geeky chief example: Stephen Hawking (yes he's geeky, would you awknowledge him at a party if he called out to you?)

Cool chief example: MC Hammer. (you wanted those pants, but would you let him trim your bushes?), or Sean Connery for the older group.

But can you have both?

Maybe, just maybe. How about those rare gems that are interesting AND you learn something from. Like Alton Brown, the cool king of geeky chefs. That defines geeky and cool. (He even has his own emoticon #8-) ). or maybe the Professor Fink from the Simpsons.

Speaking of the Simpsons - they offer some advice on getting to be cool (even if you are geeky).

Homer: So, I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.

Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.

Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square".

Lisa: That song is so lame.

Homer: So lame that it's... cool? Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Am I cool, kids?

Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?

Bart+Lisa: No.

Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.

Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.

Bart: Well, sure you do.

Lisa: How else would you know?

If you want a definitive answer, look no further than Potop on his blog. There is the beautiful mixture of cool AND geeky (if only slightly so). The inspiring prose is both interesting AND informative. His coolness can be seen from space. If he mails a letter without postage, it still gets through. If interesting were a gland, his would be bigger than most men's lower intenstines.

So, yes! You can have your cake and eat it too. It's a great life goal.

Sincerely,

100 Hour "Oozing Coolness" Board

PS - the picture is the timeline of coolness (or at least one example of it.)

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Application #1

Well. The 100 Hour Board has caught up some on posted questions, and any inquiries are again open to the general public. The last round was quite good - or answerable (don't know which quality is better). But in the light of requests for help I post the first of many (hopefully) applications. I post it for your review.

• Name: Michael Gary Scott


• Sex: That’s what she said!


• Blogger Name: MISSterious


• Age: 43


• IQ: 4,6053


• Blog examples - prior work – portfolio: My blog
  "I thought my money problems were over, but they aren't; Ed Mickman sent me a personal letter saying I won 10,000 dollars... but it turns out I didn't. Why do they send that stuff out? Jerks. I was going to sue them but Oscar suggested against it, saying I would lose the case and the little money I have now.
  I hate Tuesdays... they are pointless. Tuesdays should be no work day, I never get anything done on Tuesdays because I am looking forward to Thursdays! What day of the week do you guys hate?"


• Education / Experience: 14 years of school (2nd grade twice), some college, Arby’s, successful paper salesman and manager for Dunder Mifflin, winner of 8 Dundies


• A brief but funny anecdote: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And … I got a really bad rash. From the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.


• Question Response: Well, 100 Hour Board, lack of knowledge on any single topic should be no reason to keep you from being involved. I wasn’t even able to finish college, but am on the fast track for upper management. Your best bet is to use your practiced ability to do improv. This will help you talk about any thing discussed in conversation. I have been able to talk about sexual harassment, business skills, racism, premature deaths, and many other topics off the cuff. If you are in need of any conversational topic, I suggest focusing on interesting things. Like wilderness survival (I have brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife. A roll of duct tape. In case I need to fashion a shelter, or make some sort of water vessel.), business (There are four kinds of business. Tourism, food service, railroads and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.), or even rabies (Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans every year die from rabies). This should keep you out of trouble. If it still doesn’t work my assistant uses random facts. Like point out that the black line in shrimp is feces. They’ll forget whatever they were talking about. And really think you are cool.

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Clean-up on Aisle 8

Q: Dear 100-hour board:
like it or love it, Walmart seems to be everywhere you turn here in America. Advocates say that it is a great American model of, "make it cheaper, get it sooner" big business that not only helps lower the cost of living for us all - but brings revenue to foreign countries and creates jobs. The Walmart haters crowd often counters with the charge that Walmart destroys American business, and exploits foreign (Chinese) workers. So here is the big question: is Walmart a net good or a net evil? Should I feel guilty when I shop there, or should I revel in the low prices? And who does Walmart really help?Pinching my pennies (hopefully not my morals),
Regards,
"The big 3B"

A: Dear Triple B:
This is a tough question, depending on the moral framework in which you evaluate something as good or evil. But I won’t delve into a discussion of philosophic moral concepts. So I begin with some facts regarding Walmart:
The largest company in the world (2007 #’s)
Revenue $351 Billion
Net Income $11.3 Billion
1.9 million employees (4th largest, number one being People’s Liberation Army of China)
Largest US grocer – 20% of the market
“Always Low Prices” company philosophy

Now a “good/bad” discussion. I will first lay out the facts and then the disputed or grey areas:
Good:
Huge employer with benefits
Lower prices for lower-income families
$51 Billion in current liabilities – money they directly give back for doing business
$264 Billion in cost of goods sold – basically business they create with their vendors
6779 stores world wide
Extend luxuries to lower income parts of the population
Vendor product introduction – they can introduce new products easily to vast #’s of people
336% growth in 10 years – huge return for investors and public
In the US they paid out $890 million in retirement plan expenses
$415 million in charitable gifts
Creates new businesses with new vendors

Bad:
Creates pollution, forces smaller competitors out of business
Foreign product sourcing - especially b/c perhaps we should be more distinguishing with our $ to China
Some lower wages and benefits compared to retailers

Grey area:
Low wages and benefits – ~$10.11/hr but generally less skilled people
Opposes labor unions – is that bad? Good?
Child labor, illegal labor – occurrences but not rampant
Complaints of general unsavory business practices (tax evasion, etc.)

OK…generally there are a lot of issues with a company larger than the gross national product of most countries. Some are valid, others not. Studies show that although a Walmart puts some local businesses out of business, many small businesses benefit. But studies are generally inconclusive (either way). Wages may be lower, and they have huge turnover, but they train very unskilled workers and tons of people want to work there.

So, the main questions regarding Walmart are: Do you believe in free, world markets? Do you believe that free markets level the world playing field? If you don’t than Walmart is evil. If you do, it is good. Not the best answer perhaps, but will you find yourself buying something there this Christmas?
100 Hour Board

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Inside Out

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
Apparently, that is some sort of really cool inside joke, Scoreboards. [In reference to the post "Pedal Your Way to Taxes")
Which leads to the question, how do inside jokes differ from any other jokes? Just because two people know it rather than 3 or more?Please explain to me the difference.
Sincerely,
The Butt

A: Dear Butt of the Joke

Inside jokes are not numerically specified. In-jokes are only identified by requiring a priori information in order to understand the humor. The group sizes can be large (although at least must be one less than the number of people on earth to be designated an 'inside joke'. Unless of course all living people have an in-joke, excluding all the dead or unborn ones. But that seems unlikely). Groups include; friends, family, frats, clubs, professions, races, communities, businesses, aficionados, and so on.
That you aren't in the know on these jokes just demonstrates the horribly lonely life you must lead. Just remember, they are not laughing with you, they are laughing at you. I suppose you could even have an inside joke with yourself - or with someone like Gwitter.
And no, the scoreboard joke was not an in-joke, just required mental acuity.
I offer you several examples of inside jokes:

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are sitting around and one of them says "It says here that Professor X has come up with a new theorem that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime". Each person present thinks to himself:
Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by Mathematical induction.
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime...
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ...
Mechanical engineer: 3 is prime, 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 6 is prime...
Computer engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...

or

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

Now these are highly dependent on your scientific foreknowledge. I'll let you decipher them. But I think they're funny. (Especially the computer engineer... :) )

Or one of my favorite is Isaac Asimov's work on tiotimoline, that is so soluble in water, it actually dissolves 1.12 seconds before it comes in contact with it. (Because of the 2 carbon atoms that project into the future and into the past). But I save that for a different post.
Oh and if you don't like this post you can go hopscotch with a camel (you'd get that if you only knew).
Best Regards,
100 Hour Board

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And All That Gunk

Q: Dear 100hr board,

What the heck is the gunk that I have to constantly clean out of my roller-ball type computer mouse? It gums up on the wheels inside and is a pain to deal with, but what is it?

Signed,

Gunkophobic

A: Dear Frequent Cleaner of the Mouse Gunk

There is a definitive term for the 'gunk' you find in your mouse, what I can gather I've seen it referred to as cruft (as in the adventures of Lara Cruft) most mostly referred to as 'mouse-gunk'. This even by official technical guides provided by mouse and hardware manufacturers. Also there are some similar conditions. The 'gunk' that collects in watches has been referred to as 'puls,' but only in some random journals, whether or not this will make it in the wester dictionary (it's not) will be seen.

As to what it is...well that depends on you. Because, for the most part that gunk is you. Gunk is a mixture of dust and what you eat around the computer. (You are what you eat). So it's an amalogam of dust particles, bits of cheese puffs, remains of sandwhiches and what not. So what is dust? You. Dust is primarily made of sloughed off human skin cells. These accumulate and provide a feeding ground for dust mites. Dust mites eat this and then - well - poop. So there's some mite poop in there too. Sounds yummy huh? As you move your mouse around the desk, you collect dust and remnants that collect on the inside rollar bars of the mouse. You cause your own pain.

Now remedies?

First clean up. Dust can be removed by: wiping, swiping, or sweeping by hand, or with a dust cloth, sponge, duster, or broom, or by suction by a vacuum cleaner or air filter.

And don't eat around your computer.

You can clean the mouse easily - using cotton swabs, maybe some rubbing alcohol if you'd like (it sanitizes too!).

You are best off using a mouse pad and buying an optical mouse. They're much easier to use. And if you get a wireless one you don't need to worry about dust on wires (or crinkled wires).

Regards,

The Mitey Mitey Dusttones

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Board Update

Attention all avid 100 Hour Board Readers;

Seeing as I'm in the shadow of the Rockies in a beautiful resort, with limited connectivity, I have a back log of questions. The 100 Hour Board will answer these within the allocated promised board, but new submittals are temporarily closed until future notice (not long I'm sure).

Additionally, the 100 Hour Board is seeking applications for new members capable of handling the demanding responsibilities associated with sagedom.
Qualifications include:

• Must be able to write - and write well - just stringing nouns, verbs and an occasional preposition doesn't count
• Must be smart. Not Albert Einstein smart, more Isaac Newton. We're looking for the ability to handle multiple disciplines
• Sarcastic, witty and funny - although not all at once
• Blogger member
• Reliable writer that meets deadlines - aka 100 Hours - and responds to assignments delegated by COT100HB (Chairman of the 100 Hour Board)
• Applicant must bring with them a new collection of readers to increase circulation

If you think you fit the bill, then please provide the following application:

• Name (doesn't have to be your actual name - just a name)
• Sex (I'm looking for gender not quality and quantity)
• Blogger Name
• Age
• IQ
• Blog examples - prior work - portfolio
• Education or Experience
• A brief but funny anecdote
• A 100 Hour Board-esque answer to the following question: Q: I am at a party, the type that involves cheese trays, witty banter and cardigans, and my career depends on my ability to gracefully attend to the social occasion (ie. boss's house, client party, networking, etc.) While talking to another partygoer a subject you are not familiar with comes up (say the microeconomic impacts of the industrialization of western Sri Lanka in the last 50 years, or the use of internet protocol gates on fiber optic lines and their impact on data usage, download times and connectivity). I am asked a question regarding my opinion in the matter. So...how do I respond? How do I save face? And what other interesting topic should I bring up to move the conversation along. (Ellen Degeneres suggests always starting with Gloria Estavan - the copper plumbing of the music industry). Points for creativity, wit and making me guffah/chuckle/snortle/laugh/giggle or generally be warmed by humor.

All applications are property of the 100 Hour Board. Applicants will be notified via post in a most embarassing and public way. We are NOT an equal opportunity employer - we don't hire idiots - even if they are savants. Please post your applications as a comment for review to this post.

Good Luck,

100 Hour Board

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Pedal Your Way to Taxes

Q: Dear Big-Brother 100 Hour Board
Why in the world is the US bicycling hall of fame located in Bridgewater, NJ? Better make a visit!
Yours,
Love to Bike 80 Miles a Day

A: Dear Biker Babe
The United States Bicycling Hall of Fame was until recently located in Bridgewater, NJ. It is not necessarily an official Hall of Fame, although it receives some acceptance by the cycling community and sponsorships. In fact there is a Cycling Hall of Fame in Westminster, Co - although they are of no relation. You'd think so, maybe one begat the other. But no, I am assured it is an indie location.
The USBHOF was established in 1986 to celebrate the history of racing and velodromes through the founding of a Not-for-profit Corporation funded by both Somerset County and the Borough of Somerville. It originally was founded in Somerville, but moved temporarily to Bridgewater. Currently they are in search of a new home, with most of the museum articles in county storage. Although they loaned all inductee plaques to Home Depot Center - the only active Velodrom in the US.
Their mission is to: "to promoting and preserving the history of bicycling by collecting, preserving and exhibiting memorabilia and artifacts relating to competitive and recreational bicycling, and to the people who dedicated themselves to the sport."
Let me break this down simpler for you:

• Somerville collects $4.52 per $100 of assessed home value - i.e overtaxing burden
• Somerville needs something to do with the money
• Instead of cutting taxes...let's start a museum
• Brainstorm ideas...hmm. Lance Armstrong is looking good
• Let's create a not-for-profit corporation with a board of directors to celebrate biking
• Let's put it all in storage
• Borough: 1, Taxpayers: Nothing

An "overly cynical" 100 Hour Board

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All that Colour

Q: Dear I-Know-You'll-Always-Be-Smarter-Than-Me-100-Hour-Board,

I've read that trees use energy to change the pigment of their leaves in the fall. So, why bother? If this is truly a Darwinian world what possible evolution breakthrough could possible make trees benefit from this? And was there a time when the trees didn't change the pigment of their leaves?

Regards,

A 100-Hr-Board-Wannabe-Critchlow

PS. Why don't you ever comment on Critchlow's Counter?

A: Dear 'Kritchlow'

What the heck is a critchlow anyway? I mean I do think it is hugely more scary than any monster in myth - this 'small, aged, hairy man'. And he tells stories at a counter? Don't you sell anything? Counters are for counting things or selling goods. A hearth, table, den I can understand, but unless your selling me BS, I don't get the counter thing.

As to fall colors. Your first statement is true and false. Some leaves require energy to change color, others don't. Here's the 50,000ft overview first.

• Chlorophyll is used to turn photons into energy used in the CAM cycle of plants to undertake carbon fixation - turning CO2 and water into sugar.


• Chlorophyll is green and makes leaves green.


• Chlorophyll is constantly destroyed by the sunlight and must be replaced.


• The tree slowly shuts down chlorophyll production (clogs the arteries with cork) to slow down energy production as the winter months come. This is a function of weather, drought, age, time cycle from the first leaves, etc. Basically that the energy required to keep the leave healthy and move food around is not justified by the decreased food production in low light months.


• Food is moved from the leaves into the tree slowly in the transition. This takes energy (remember this). You need to keep part of the factory functioning as you tear it down.


• Remaining energy is in the leaves as they fall and used as fertilizer as it rots.


• When chlorophyll dies carotenoids in the leave (that have always been there) emerge from the 'masking' green color - these are yellow, brown and orange (they color carrots, corn, etc.) THIS color change requires NO energy b/c it is a side affect of chlorophyll balance changing.


• BUT...here's where your question comes in...some trees PRODUCE anthcyanins (reds, purples) as the summer winds down and fall comes. This does take energy. And in cooler night temps it happens more (more vibrant colors in bright days - cool nights).
  

So why? Doesn't make sense that trees would still use more energy to create a colour change as the leaves. There are two theories to date (many have come and gone over time).

• Photoprotection: The new colors absorb light and dissipate it as heat. This protects the leaf from damaging rays as the leaf slowly dies. This goes well into the preserve energy production as the leaf shuts down.


• Coevolution: Red leaves may serve as a signal to aphids that they shouldn't eat here. Or that 'specialized' ones should. This is a coevolved function. Although isn't as wide spread to be the whole truth. Some birds and animals are attracted to the leaves perhaps helping with seed distribution.

The truth is probably a combination of the two, that has evolved over time. Sort of like the evolutionary reason young, poorer portions of the population rely on bling (I swear this is a valid evolutionary study...we can talk about that sometime).

So for now - enjoy the leaves changing. I did last week on a drive to Pittsburgh. Oh wow - incredible.

Happy Fall,

100 Hour Board

PS - As to the question of posting on Critchlow's blog...I offer the following reasons:

• Perfection needs no comment


• If art demands critique than is it really art?


• Lack of interesting topics - I mean fart jokes? Really?


• Still confused on why I should talk to a little, hairy old man with the inability to eat ruffage


• I don't need to add any pithy, sarcastic remarks to make you look bad


• I'll wait until you stop making fun of the 100 Hour Board with a link titled "Stupid ?s Dumber Answers"
  

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Holy World Wide Web Batman

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
wow... quick response this time! Here is another one:assuming that one has limitless financial assets and no need to attend to any responsibilities (family, jobs, meal preparation) is there any feasible or possible way for someone to finish the internet up to this point in time before dying?
Regards,
Triple B - aka "Too Much Time on My Hands"

A: Oh my, my, my Triple B,

This is a question you will not like the answer to. Let's start by laying some ground rules too.
First, the world wide web is an architectural program that has no single owner. It is considered a complex engineered system with its own idiosyncrasies and phenomena. Also, there are two portions of the WWW; the surface web and the deep web. The surface web includes only the websites and materials you can readily 'find' by searching. These are sites that are hyperlinked and accessible to webcrawlers used by search engine companies. The vast majority of the web is in the deep web - sites unlinked or protected to access from the casual user. This is a huge world you couldn't even access typically, but let's assume from your 'limitless finances' that you can.
Because no one owns the internet, no one knows precisely how many websites exist. Even in creating this post I create a site. And given programs like Amazon use there are infinite arrangements of websites based on viewing content (I don't think these technically count). The last time this was studied was 2005, when they believed there was 19.2 billion web documents on the surface www. In 2001 they estimated 550 billion documents total. This was included into 108,810,358 webpages
- but I don't think this nearly captures it all. With rough estimates and projections I can put this is the ballpark of about 29.7 billion single web pages now. Roughly. Let's call it 30,000,000,001 with this entry.
If you looked at the webpage an average of 2 seconds per page (a way too quick look given content and that load times will probably be at least double that - but let's assume money buys you instant access) you would need 60 Billion seconds - that's 1 Billion minutes or 16.7 million hours or 694444 days or 1902.6 years. Wow! A little beyond your lifetime or financial abilities.
Now if you want the whole web you are looking at about 1.85 trillion pages - taking about 117250 years. A lot of millenia. So forget about it.
Now it's estimated roughly that pornography is about .5% of the internet - so let's say 149 million sites. That would take 4.8 years to look at at 2 seconds a page. That is doable. A not so noteworthy goal to achieve. What's 4.8 years for an eternity of hell?
Then...if you ask about looking at content - do videos count? I mean must you watch the entire video posted to get credit. Than forget even going through You Tube.
So all in all...no dice, it wouldn't work to get through the internet. But maybe in hell you'll spend it rewriting HTML code for the whole www. (By the way the pic is .0004% of the web content)
I do offer some fun corners of the web:

• Archival of first webpage


• Weird Conversions - how many babies do you weigh?


• Find your Celeb Look alike


• Top 15 Manipulated photos

Just to name a few.

Regards,

Mired in the Web

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When Hell Freezes Over

Q: Dear Master 100 Hour Board:

If you were a masochist in life, wouldn't it be a reward to be sent to hell and punishment to be sent to heaven?

Signed,
Please hurt me

A: Dear Sadist of the Self

A sadist and a masochist meet at a bar. After several drinks the masochist suggests that the take off, go to his house and 'have fun'. The sadist replies, "no."

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:"Cindy, you have sinned."

I hope you see the wisdom in there somewhere.

Regards,
I'll visit you from heaven

PS
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

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Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
They say there is more than one way to skin a cat, but how many ways are there to do said skinning? Furthermore, for what practical reasons would one be required to skin a cat?
Regards,
Hannibal Lector

A: Dear Favabean and Liver Connoisseur,

I'm worried about you and your predilections for cruelty to small animals. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up in some scary house of torture puzzles to try and escape from, only to find out that it was all one of your twisted games...ok enough Saw reruns.
"To skin a cat" is not a new idiom in the English language. Some claim that it comes from a Southern phrase referring to catfish - or cat for short - and hence is used in preparing lunch. But that just seems to be a local use of the phrase, history points to earlier use. It was recorded in John Ray's 1678 book of English proverbs (proverb? really? there's a difference between 'early to rise early to bed...' and skinning a cat). It has shown up in several books, including Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain, "she was wise, subtle, and knew more than one way to skin a cat”, that is, more than one way to get what she wanted. Apparently they needed fresh skinned cats back in 1889, or maybe that's medieval times, or who knows!

I've found multiple references to skinning a cat - including actual skinning a cat, step-by-step photo instructions. (As part of a standard dissection procedure, mind you!) But that's just gross - or too medical. I'd offer you one stanza from a poem of three ways on "How to skin a cat" by Sarah Willians but she's a little deranged. So...although I can't find a finite number, I bet there are infinite, hence the saying, I am assured there are at least 101 according to one list. My favorites:

• Hold it by its tail. Shake vigorously
• Wrap duct tape around it. Pull off quickly
• Chemotherapy
• Paint it white and take it to a sheep shearing contest

Although admittedly some of these suggestions are less about skinning and either just about shaving it or sadistic (use it as a lance or shield in a joust). And some of the actual entries are more about uses of a skinned cat, "shave a message in the fur and send it to an enemy." Apparently the use of a messaged cat is so frequent this must be a major reason to skin one.

As to actual uses, I'm sure there are a good deal them. In fact I'm certain that several countries serve cat much in the same way catfish is in the South. This is the primary reason - though rest assured that cat meat is hard to get in the US and illegal. But do watch out for Chinese restaurants that offer to 'walk the cat.' Or rather 'wok the cat.' But I offer some original uses.

• To pass a regular cat off as Mr. Bigglesworth
• To participate in the Body Worlds traveling exhibit
• Nothing like a cat-skin stole to keep you warm

I don't want to get too creative in case you are inspired to make my kitties go missing.

Now, skinning the cat is also a jungle-gym move, involving hanging by your hands, raising your legs and feet up through your arms and flipping over. Although there is only one way to do this, so I don't think this is your intended idiomatic meaning.

Regards,

Protector of Felines

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Let Us Think...

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
I usually stay away from things like this. I might read for entertainment purpose. But really, can one person know ALL! After days of struggling with this quandary, I am swinging the question your way. Let us test your knowledge, or at least if you Wonder 8 Ball is working. So here it goes: Oh Great 100 Hour Board, will the sister of one be able to attach the glitter to her appendage? Please try to come up with your answer within those 100 hours, time is an essence. Challenge yourself, try 99 hours.

A: Dear Interested in Short Cuts:

Ask Again Later.

Regards, Magic 8-Ball

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Time After Time

Q: Dear 100-hour board,
Is the concept which we know as "time" a fundamentally man-made concept, divine creation, or natural law? Hope you aren't 'late' to provide an answer, seeing as how this mysterious concept called time governs the all-powerful board it's self!
BBB

A: Dear Clock Confused:

The 100 Hour Board finally feels challenged by such a wide and deep topic as brought up in your question, and hopes there is sufficient…um…well time to address this issue. I will try to keep the conversation above the deep philosophical, religious and scientific trenches one can stumble into when wading this ocean of inquiry. But I can only try.

Time is Relative (Philosophy)
Interestingly to note, time is viewed to be one of two general concepts, championed by Newton and Leibniz. I say interestingly because these two physicist/scientist/philosophers were constantly at odds in their work – for example arguing on fundamental approaches to calculus (both were right – we use derivatives AND integrals – one stemming from each). Newton, and all realists, believe time is a fundamental, integral part of the universe. And all events occur in a sequence separated by this dimension of time. Leibniz however held that time was purely a human creation, to help the comprehension of interrelated events.
Many a philosopher have argued this, some holding time is unreal, others that it is fundamental to existence. And it isn’t a new argument – with records back to 5BC and also some from St. Augustine.

Tesseracts (Science)
Philosophy and science meld into one gray area, especially in older science, but modern physics holds that time is a fundamental unit of the universe. It has a direction (although Steven Hawking suggests that perhaps we are traveling backward in time and don’t realize it) generally forward. (“Lisa – in this household we obey the Laws of Entropy” Homer Simpson) Time is relative in motion and in relation to events, but was fixed in relation to the speed of light (300K km/second) by Einstein. This constant helps fix time (with space) as real. (Though we can now technically stop and freeze light – but that’s a different entry). And Einstein was a proponent of spacetime – that space (distance) and time are tied in one ‘substance’ like mass. So it bends, forms and has character.
This is all well and good – but remember that science is always a model of ‘reality’, a representation that fits mathematically. What is real is left to metaphysics (see above).

And the Sun Stood Still (Religion)
Most all main religions describe time as real and a part of God. (Thomas Acquinas uses this when he proves God’s existence by discussing God’s existing before us – Ontological proofs) Some believe it is cyclical, others linear. Though for Judeo-Christians there is relative time – think of God’s day and man’s. In the LDS Church, time is a fundamental part of God and life. God’s time is ‘slower’ relatively, Abraham shows that ‘one day’ for the Lord is a 1000 years. Events occur in succession (creation, 2nd Coming, etc.) although the Atonement is infinite. All things have a law that determines ‘times and seasons.’ Some stumble on statements like “all time being before the Lord,” but this is more a statement of omniscience than the non-existence of time.

So what is the truth? Depends on what is real. The 100 Hour Board firmly believes it is real and fundamental. And we’ve already taken up too much of yours.

Regards,
Father Time

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Fundemental Numbers

Q: Dear 100? Hour Board,
How many licks does it take to reach the center of a tootsie pop? It may be an aged old question, but I mean the owl in the dumb commercial toys with you by biting it by the third time. Does is vary on saliva excretion or what? Perhaps the Rolling Stones offered the true answer with "40 Licks," but honestly how many?
And on that note, how many hours does it take to get to the center of a 100-hour Board Question?
Regards,
80? 90? Whatever it Takes
A: Dear Lick Confused:
This is an age old question - or at least dates back to 1970 when the first Tootsie Roll Pop commercial aired discussing the question, "How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of Tootsie Roll pop?" Now I have never scientifically tried this out, owing to the fact that once I get to the thin barrier of remaining sucker around the tootsie roll I stop and discard the pop. I hate Tootsie Rolls, I'd rather drink Caro syrup (you know who you are!!) than eat it. So I never get to the center. It's like an asymptote in math - it never quite meets the answer and continues on to infinity.
Now there have been multiple responses and some scientific studies into this problem - the Sweets Company of America state they have received over 50,000 responses to the question ranging all over the place (from 100 to over 5000). They also site 3 studies:
Engineering students at Purdue built a tongue-licking machine that tested pops. Their number? 364. 20 Humans tried it also and averaged 252 licks.
A U Mich engineering student recorded his licking machine took 411
Swathmore students tried a human trial that averaged 144 licks
Interestingly, an elementary school study said it takes an average 9 minutes to get there.
It all comes down to some fundamental questions - like: what is defined by a lick? Are they the same every time? Do you rotate the pop? Do you count licking in the same place to the center? What other hobby could you pick up besides trying this out? Are you Gene Simmons and have an abnormally large tongue?
If you'd like to view the video please see below:(I couldn't get the video uploaded for some reason - please rely on the link) Commercial
Regards,
Sweet Tooth 100 Hour Board

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Gunshot, rings out like a bell...

Q: Dear Science-Minded 100 Hour Board:

Here is one that has been bugging me since I had a friend ask me this question and could not provide a good answer.Often in television crime and law shows they flout the crime scene investigators ability to match individual recovered bullets to the guns that they have been fired from due to distinct markings that are left behind on the fired round from the rifling in the firearm. Furthermore, they claim that each and every firing pin (the part which strikes the primer, setting off the cartage) leaves a distinct mark on each spent casing. With how much reliability can crime scene investigators match guns to bullets and casings? I'm skeptical of this science due to the precise manufacturing standards that modern firearms seem to be subject to, and the many variables (such as powder and lead fouling in the barrels) which undoubtedly alter the effects a gun has on rounds (altho very slightly) each time a round is fired. Is this hype that "CSI", "Law and Order", and every other crime show on television in love with grounded in sound practice, or is it another hollywood-hyped fairytale? Hope you are up for the challenge!By the way, roast beef sounds great right now! :)
Sincerely,
Grissolm

A: Dear Purveyor of CSI Myth,

This is a tricky one. Because the answer is yes AND no. Let me dive in a little to help you some.
First off, obviously most TV crime dramas are exaggerated. You have people like Horatio Cane solving crimes, making arrests and even leading a SWAT team into a den of Columbian drug lords (while wearing shades). If my public servants were able to wear Prada and drive Hummers I'd be a little PO'd. So it throws out the window police procedure, reality and even common sense. Then all the available technology (real or imagined) is there at the push of a button. So we obviously take this with a grain of salt.
But...there is some truth to ballistic forensics. Ballistic forensics is made up of four parts: internal, transition, external and impact ballistics. These are fairly obvious, and lead to examples like laser targeting, trajectory, distance to victim, etc. You are interested in internal, the path through the gun.
Ballistic fingerprinting (or better ballistic signature) is the science (yes a science) of matching a bullet and/or casing to the gun that fired it. First the bullet type is identified to rule out gun types (.22 cal from a .22cal gun, etc.) Bullets do leave striations (lines and markings) caused by travel down a barrel. Typically these are unique to gun type and manufacturer. Smith & Wesson has a right turn rifling in the barrel that leaves distinct marks, number of turns per inch, etc. These can help investigators narrow down gun type. Or even better, eliminate guns from consideration (not the weapon used). You are generally correct, manufacturing methods make reliable grooves from barrel to barrel. However, polishing can't always take out imperfections and wear can affect the look of the bullet. So 'fingerprints' can change over time. This CAN help identify guns.
But bullets are often deformed. Cartridge identification is even better - because they are intact - and can identify make, model, etc.
Generally ballistic fingerprinting gives a: yes, no or maybe answer. And variations in all of the above can lead to a distinct matching of firearm to bullet. But forget databases. The two that are functioning (Maryland and California) have yet to solve a crime (according to the Maryland State Police and CADOJ).
These signatures can be altered and 'cleaned up' but not every criminal is all that smart. (They still don't all wear gloves). So...yes it can be very effective. But it isn't the over-exaggerated 'reality' portrayed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

(Yes this is an overdo response. The 100 Hour Board apologizes for the delay in answering and will do better next time. Please don't put the bullet fingerprinting to the test b/c of this!)
Regards,
Mac Taylor

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Not exactly white on white ties...

Q: Dear Sultan of All Knowledge,

If one wanted to hire a hitman? I mean literally given our situation, how would you find one?

Regards,

Looking to do '80' years

A: Dear My Ever Growing Felon,

Oh my, oh my. Who in your life has gotten so under your skin you want to bump them off? Did you want it nice and clean - perhaps a bomb hooked to the car ignition, or slow and painful...perhaps a la SAW style? Your choice?
It is obviously not in the interest of the 100 Hour Board to offer any advice that may lead directly or indirectly to illegal activities. And even if we did, who knows if it will lead you to life sans your nemesis, or life behind bars. ;)
The news is full of stories of idiots who tried to go to the local divebar and hire them a hitman. Usually it works like this...ask a non-reputable friend, preferably one who has done time, if they know someone in the business. They go to the police. They even videotape your conversations as a future keepsake. And then a horrible news article is written about why you wanted to kill your husband because he wouldn't stop chewing gum.
Occasionally there are websites set up offering various hitman services, even some that profess to use humane 'treatments' that have never been tested on animals. Some are real - and lead to an embarrassing arrest - others obvious jokes. Craigslist may be a good start. "YSWM looking for contract work. I like long walks on the beach and using a .22 cal, silenced gun."
One guy looked in the paper, not for classifieds but for the latest person up on racketeering charges. Might as well go to the mob I suppose. (The same idea if you walked into any North Jersey diner. It may even be on the menu - have you seen those menus!)
My best bet is to try the local experts. Call the police. I bet they know the best contract killers in the area, even the going rates. And again, they'll videotape your meetings to guarantee good business. You may even get a pair of shiny bracelets for free.
Regards,
100 Hour Board
We are not liable for any advice or activities taken from or suggested in the above article.

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I'm Thinking...

Q: Dear 'Food-Fanatic' 100 Hour Board,
Can you tell me where Arby's got their name from? We were driving in the car the other day and Mom mentioned something about R.B.s, like short for Roast Beef. Can you shed some light on this very important topic???
Sincerely,
Eating Beef 'n Cheddar In the Dark

A: Dear Roast Beef Aficionado,

I so desperately wanted to call Arby's up and find out the answer to your quandary. So I offer you a transcript.
Ring
Standard prompts
"In order to better serve you, your phonecall may be recorded." How does that person get a job at EVERY phone center in the US. It's like the 411 lady, "OK, I can help you with that."
Arby's Rep (AR): Thank you for calling Arby's, how may I help you?
100 HB: Yes. Thanks. I was calling regarding a question I have about Arby's.
AR: I can help you with that, sir. What is your question?
100 HB: Yes. My wife and I are having a debate regarding the name Arby's. I believe that Arby's stands for the founder of the restaurant chain. She thinks that it stands for Roast Beef. We have a Crispy Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwich riding on this, so please help me out.
AR: Chuckle No problem sir, I can help you with that. Arby's is named for the company founders, Leroy and Forrest Raffel, the Raffel Brothers, also R.B.
100 HB: That is quite interesting - thanks so much. I rarely am right with my wife, this will help.
AR: Trying to hid the chuckle. Not a problem sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?
100 HB: Oh, yes, one more thing...what ever happened to the Oven Mitt. I miss him.
AR: Oven Mitt is helping out in our community service efforts. Working with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America.
100 HB: You mean there are lots of little oven mitts running around that need help?
AR: I can feel the smile on the phone. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?
100 HB: Nope that's good. You won me a Crispy Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwich. I'll send you half if you'd like.
AR: No thank you sir, that will not be necessary.
100 HB: Well... thanks then. You've been most helpful.
AR: My pleasure. Please fill free to call again with any more questions. And you can look at our website, http://www.arbys.com/, at anytime for more information.
100 HB: Thank you.
AR: Have a nice day.
100 HB: You too.

I'm thinking Arby's now. Too bad that Rhode Island doesn't have any in the state. (Vermont either). : (

Regards,
Craving the RB

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Q: Dear Abby:

I'm having a difficult time coming up with something to wear for Halloween. My wife and I want to go as a pair - something that works together, but just are not sure what would work. It's only a costume to walk around the neighborhood with, nothing fancy - but we want to have something flashy. Any ideas oh wise one?

Signed,

More Tricked than Treated (A-Non)

A: Dear Spooked,

What a quandary. I can't say that I can exactly direct your tastes in Halloween atire - but perhaps I can offer some ideas. You take me as a fairly level headed bloke, and are not interested in something mundane like Salt and Pepper, Adam and Eve or the like. Though if you only wore fig leaves around the neighborhood that would definitely make a statement. "Shield the eyes of the kids honey - here come those neighbors!"

No, you need something a little more smarter than the average bear - or ghost for that matter. You suggest something flashy - but I'm afraid you refer to this:

May I offer you a few suggestions.

Ren and Stimpy - the perfect couple. And since you love little rat-sized dog-monsters, that would be a perfect selection. Although you fight it out deciding who is who.

Cheech and Chong - but again, is that sending the right message to your kids?

Gomez Alonzo and Morticia A. (nee Frump) Addams - I take you are both fairly pale. Just dye the hair you can go. Of course you may need to draw in the moustache

Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti - You already got the redhead. And you are a skrawny, annoying teenage boy.

Trinity and Neo - but that takes a certain amount of coolness and flav to pull off, no not for you UofU boy

for a little more esoteric:

Liberty and Death - Watch out Patrick Henry! Do Lady Liberty and the Grim Reaper

Death and Taxes - The only thing that's sure in this life. (Grim Reaper and IRS agent)

Body and Soul - although I recommend your wife be the example of body - not you

Mary and Pierre Curie - you can use glow in the dark paints

AC / DC - the electrical currents - not the band. Of course that may mean you go as a plug and outlet - maybe too suggestive.

Finally I offer the best suggestions.

Austin Powers and Felicity Shagwell - Groovy baby! You didn't loose your mojo - you never had it. But that is definitely your bag, baby.

Captain Booty & Captain Blackheart - Yeah

The ideas are endless. Good luck - and stay out of trouble.

Sincerely,

Idea Central

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Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Q: Dear 100 Hour Gurus:

Through my travels I have encountered several rainbows and frankly, I think I have honestly been at the end of one. In essence, can one really be at the end of a rainbow? does it just end mid air? In addition, can any geographical area have a rainbow?

Sincerely,
Still questioning colors!


A: Dear Color Confused,

Longfellow wrote:

"My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!…"

I, as you, have a secret passion for rainbows, although given its recent transformation into a symbol for alternative lifestyles, I cannot be as free with my love as before - lest I end up in New Hope, New Jersey. (That's just not my bag - baby) But, even though I share this mutual love, I must tell you that once again (like with the penguin-red debacle), you are wrong. You were not at the end of the rainbow.

Legend might put a lot at the end of the rainbow: gold, the letter 'w', heaven for the Greeks, Asgard for the Norse, for Aboriginals in Australia the end is the giant mouth of a ferocious snake, and so on. But there really isn't any way to find out. Although you may feel you've been to the end, it just isn't obtainable.

You see rainbows are optical illusions. When the sun is low enough in the sky, it passes through small raindrops in the air. The white light is refracted through the drop, with red light less so than blue. As it bounces back out of the drop it is separated as a rainbow. You view the rainbow always directly opposite the sun in relation to yourself. All raindrops reflect the sunlight in the same way, but you can only see those that reflect in your direction. The rainbow is also centered around the head of your shadow - the antisolar point. You can get rainbows in other odd situations - like with cirrus clouds, and with sprinklers - but the same general principles apply. And that's the truth!

Of course, I offer two other pieces of info. You can have moonbows - or lunar rainbows.
Additionally, in Canada they have a different philosophy.
Regards,

Roy G. Biv

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Round and Round We Go

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,

If you are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Sincerely,
Anonymous (Cause who would own up to a question like that?)

A: Dear 'Been-Watching-Too-Much-TV'

You offer quite an interesting dilemma. I think I may be able shed some light and wisdom on this sticky situation. There really are some major issues here, so we need to dissect this a little. Now I can make some assumptions about this from what you've asked. Since the horse is the same size as you, either the horse is eight feet across or you are in a clown car (I don't think a golf cart counts as a 'car'). If this is the case I'd just throw a couple other clowns out of the car who will trip up the zebra, flip the fire truck or at least build up a satisfying barrier to my left that I can crash into. Is the world any worse off with a few less clowns?
Or perhaps - in case that seems too improbable - we look at it a little differently. If the road drops off to the left, then you are either on a highway or, better yet, in Australia, England, New Zealand or some other Empire country. If this is the fact, then the firetruck, which may be traveling your speed, is going in the opposite direction (i.e driving on the left hand side of the road). In that case, wait a second and pull into the opposing lane to either pass the horse, or let the zebra go by.
This may be the case. But if you ask me, I'll just wait til the ride ends, and get off the carousel. (And yes...that I came up myself).
Solomon the Just a Little Wise

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Sand In the Most Uncomfortable...

Q: Oh wise and all-knowing 100-Hour Board,

OK here is one for you to research for me... So we were driving down the shore today and I want to know why as soon as you hit the shore areas.... there is sand everywhere.. even when it is far from the beach/ocean. How does it get there? Is sand actually a type of soil? If it can travel as far as the "outer shore areas" why is it not everywhere? Did this make sense?

Regards,
"I think I'm spending too much time in the sun" Nikki

A: Dear "Down at the Shore"
I've noticed the proliferation of sand in odd places for quite a long time. For example, why do you find sand in bed when it's been months since you've last been? Or even years? And it scratches your legs while you sleep! Well, I did do some research and am ready to dive into this sandstorm for you.

First, the source of sand. Sand is really just granules of rock in small sizes (specifically 1/16mm to 2mm). A little smaller it is called silt, a little larger, gravel. It can be made of a wide variety of rocks, gypsum, quartz, limestone, etc. That's why you get black, white, red and other colored beaches. (My favorite is the black sand beach in Hawaii - although it isn't super safe to swim there - plus very sharp volcanic rocks). In the case of the Shore (i.e the NJ beach, home of salt water taffy, inspiration for Jaws - true story, and very hairy, fat men holding pepper and sausage sandwhiches) the sand is leftovers from glaciers.

A little background. During the Cretaceus period (145 to 65 Million Years Ago) glaciers cut across New Jersey, giving us a wide variety of beautiful features (think of the highlands, gorges, lakes, etc.). At the end of the glaciers (physically) near the shore area of the state, and at the end of the glaciers (they melted) there was a large deposition of sand. Leftovers from sedimentary rock. They call this till - glacial sediment - a wide mix of deposits to include clay, gravel, sand, etc. (Interestingly enough a really sticky form of clay is called gumbo - it's always about food!)

Geologically, in New Jersey, from Freehold south, across to Salem and to the coast is the Outer Coastal Plain. It is the youngest part of NJ - only about 65 to 1.8 million years old (part of the current geological age). And it is sediment - gravel and sand - that goes all the way to the Continental Shelf, some 200 miles off shore. It gets a little more complicated than that, but basically it is part of the landscape - soil. And for that question - soil is a complicated, little understood mixture of liquids, solids and gases. Sand can be a part of soil - along with organics, rocks, etc. In the case of New Jersey Coastal Plain the soil is typically Entisol (basically simple sand, clay, etc.) and Ultisol generally reddish soil that is pretty good but can be exhausted (and has sand in it).

Now this is all well and good - but I will tell you the real truth - not all this geological mumbo-jumbo. Sand comes from the beach - as we all know. And it gets carried back in land by many things - hence you find it everywhere. Wind blows it, animals drag it. But more often than not it is carried in the shoes of little girls, in every crease of the carseats and in human belly buttons.
Oh, and NJ sand is a money maker. It is used in casting metal (think car engines) and is the main ingredient in glass).
Regards,
"I Bet all that info hurts a little more than that sun-burn" 100 Hour Board

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Unoriginal

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sincerely,
No Imagination

A: Dear Simple Minded

It's unfortunate that you waste the incredible powers of the 100 Hour Board on such simple questions that can be answered with little research or real travail. But...I will stoop to that level because no body is asking real questions.

A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
or
Ms. Woodchuck recently saw religion and has decided that given the impending doom of global warming, that felling trees just for the sake of 'woodchucking' is a horrible idea. It will undoubtedly lead to an influx in CO2 in the air, warmer temperatures and perhaps the cataclysmic winter predicted by Hollywood (no coincidence it is 'wood'). So our friend has decided to actively take up environmental activism, even to a terroristic level, and is no longer chucking wood. It began lightly with relying on recycled chucked wood - or upchucked wood - but has since led to wood alternatives like soak (like a soy version of oak). It's no where near as flavorful but can be slightly nutritious. Following these moves, she has decided to join a woodchucking commune or kibbutz to further the cause of earth good will and woodchuck free-love. It was recently discovered by the USDA Forest Service that she is involved in enviro-terrorist activities. It includes dousing loggers with wood stains - they prefer blue - like my wife, as also the destruction of any post-commercial wood product. So if you see a woodchuck in your neighborhood, beware...she just make attack you for building a house of wood, using paper and frankly giving off CO2.

Now...for the other question...
The chicken first contemplated crossing the road in 1847 in The Knickerbocker monthly magazine. So apparently before this time roads didn't exist, chickens didn't exist or chickens didn't even consider crossing the road. However, from this time there has been an influx of philosophical discussions on whether poultry should consider it necessary to cross the road.
Now the answers, like all philosophical fried froth, are varied, and I offer my favorite. Just realize, before you, dear readers, get angered over no real answer, metaphysical conversations have no known answer, and I'm afraid that Cluckrates, Ploultro, Henselm and Thomas Achickenus will debate this forever via Harvard's Philosophical Journal. So no...no definitive - this is the reason - but some light shed on the questions.
S0 my favorite:
Central Intelligence Agency: "We can neither confirm nor deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident."
Others:
Karl Marx: "The chicken was driven by the lash of economic necessity."
Amelia Earhart: "She could have flown."
Martin Luther King Jr.: "I have a dream that one day chickens will be able to cross roads without having their motives called into question."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, The chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed, I've not been told!
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Regards,
Thoroughly To Snide This Morning

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Its all Bull

Q:
Dear All Knowing 100 Hour Board,

I recently read a news article on penguins fear of the color red, can you explain this phenomenon?

Regards,
80

A:

Dear My Monochromatic Friend,

I do not know where you get your facts, but you are clearly misled in this assumption. Bulls charge after the red cape - although interestingly enough it isn't because of the color (bulls are colorblind) but because of the motion. The idea that penguins are afraid of red is just, well bull.

Penguins eyes are attuned to life at sea, particularly underwater. It is disputed whether they are nearsighted on land or not (I've seen facts to both ends - although you can look at Sivak, J.; Howland, H. & McGill-Harelstad, P. (1987) "Vision of the Humboldt Penguin (Spheniscus humboldti) in Air and Water " Proceedings of the Royal Society of London. Series B, Biological Sciences. 229(1257): 467-472). But it is universally acknowledged that the eyes are set to help them see prey and hunters underwater. This means the ability to define blues and greens well. Red is not a distinguished color for penguins. I.e - they do not see red or at least clearly. There is no evolutionary or biological reason to either. In fact evolution points to why they don't (or at least exploits that fact). That is most krill (a favorite penguin dish) is typically red, a color lost in the ocean blues and protects them from the penguins.
A recent Harvard experiment regarding egg-stealing in penguins, involved placing red painted 'eggs' in nests. They could track the eggs around the nests easily - as the penguins couldn't tell the difference.

So - no fear of ruby red slippers or anything. Just afraid of sharks and normal things. I guess they couldn't tell if another penguin got sunburned either - too bad for those Madagascar penguins.

Regards,
March of the Exploding Penguins

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Circle of Life

Q Dear 100 Hour Board,

Now to get to my real question: How many donuts does Homer Simpson eat in one year?



A Dear Pastry Inquisitor,



With 10 Billion doughnuts consumed in the US, the average person eats roughly 33 doughnuts per year. I do not take Homer Simpson as a thoroughly 'average' person - more like above average (except maybe intellect). With a height of 6 feet and weighing anywhere from 239 to 300 pounds (all official numbers) his BMI is something between 32 and 40 - all considered obese. So I would put him in a consumption range of something like twice the normal person. Now not everybody eats doughnuts - let's say only 50% of American's do. That's 66 doughnuts per year - a little more than one a week. That just isn't Homerish. Let's consider the 80/20 rule, that 20% of the population eat 80% of the doughnuts - that puts us at an average of 167 doughnuts per person or 3.2 a week.

"American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?"

You would think that Homer eats this much each sitting - but he isn't going out and buying this all the time, so I think he relies on doughnuts offered at work, for the most part. That's usually 1 time per week for a good - labor job (like the nuclear plant) + birthdays (or 20 times for a standard department - although he might roam and forage). With church functions thrown in, I put that at 100 activities where doughnuts are served. Eating 3.2 each time, Homer eats about 320 doughnuts a year - sort of fitting in with our BMI calculations. It's a little under 1 a day - which works when we consider that in the mean time he's been to the moon, raced cars, scuba dived, etc. etc.

Now just for your consideration, Canada consumes the most doughnuts per capita in the world. So not only is Homer not a fan of Canada - he'll want to do things just a little better.

"Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.?"

Regards,
Looking for Donutions 100 Hour Board

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1st Question - How do I?

Q Dear 100 Hour Board,
So how do I post my question?
Signed,
My Rebel Took Over

A Dear 'My Rebel Took Over'

First off, is your rebel a reference to an inner child that has taken over your life and begun to send you through a midlife crisis? (Not that you are at the midlife point yet). Or perhaps one of your children - i.e the rebel - has thrown your life into disarray, mounted an insurrection and is now calling the shots (not too far from the truth I imagine). Or perhaps you are referring to the Canon Rebel that took over our laptop and any diaper bag we take along with us. I suppose the later. Good for you.

As for posting your question, you've found the way. (This was an excellent question). You can post a question as a comment. The comment will be moderated and then added as an appropriate question on our board. This one was easy so I use an official time of 2.5 hours. Good way to start the board.

Regards,
Way to Fresh With My Wife for My Own Good.

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Inaugural Post

Q Dear 100 Hour Board:

How does this 100 Hour Board work and what is its purpose? I thought I could rely on my own intuition?

Sincerely,
Confused but Excited

A Dear Confused but Excited,

What an excellent question. It's so perfect for this inaugural post, I'd almost suggest that this was planted. Of course, the 100 Hour Board is not that duplicitous and takes pride in our work ethic and honesty. So I'll continue with an answer to your question.

The 100 Hour Board was created as an extension of my other blog Potop 42, focused on providing a little stream of all that fascinating information out there in the world - useful or not. Figuring that I can put my Rolodex of completely useless trivial facts to use, I created this board. It is a chance for you - dear Reader - to ask any question you'd like - anything under the sun. The 100 Hour Board will then provide an answer within 100 Hours. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - according to us of course.

I adopt the general motto: this is a place for fun. We'll strive to have fun and keep things light. Remember, if you ask something glib and stupid - you'll get a glib and stupid answer.

General Guidelines:

Since the Board does not encourage excuses to be lackadaisical, we are no longer accepting questions whose answers can be found by using a phonebook, calling a customer service provider, and so forth.
Not all questions and comments to the Board will be posted (depending on content)
Board editors reserve the right to edit comments for brevity or other circumstances
The Board may or may not respond to questions asking for professional advice. We are not professionals and cannot answer any questions that would hold us liable.

Have fun, submit and enjoy the reading.

100 HB

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