Can We All Just Get Along?

Q: Perhaps the next question should be "Can we ALL get along?"

Regards,

Snarky 80

A: Dear "Accident"

In this wonderful time of year, the Holiday cheer, the message of Christmas and the desire to be warm to each other despite the chill outside, fills our hearts with depression. We want to share our love for one another, come together and be a little kinder. Some of us, hot chocolate kissing our lips, glitter spread across our kiesters, and fit into sweats to accommodate our expanding Holiday waist lines, take up the call to arms of Rodney King and ask if "can we all get along?"

And then that SUV cuts you off for the last parking space at the mall.

No.

We cannot all get along.

And there are three profound scientific reasons we cannot.

1. Phermones: Yes, those pesky little chemical triggers we release that inspire a natural response in other people. And I'm not talking about post-eggnog exhaust. There are the territorial markers that tell us to keep away or else. Which is why the 100 Hr Board has taken up marking the outside of our cars when we park in parking lots. All it takes is a couple of sodas. Just mind the frost. There are also epideictic pheramones that let other women know, "uh-uh you best not be touching my man and home. This is my crib girlfriend." (I think the chemical even does a little head shake too, while the extended molecular arm waves its chemical finger - so to speak). Of course there are sexual pheramones that start fights, scuffles, couch-sleeping and even inter-galactic war. It isn't the man's fault his head turns to look at a cute younger woman honey - chemistry made me do it. Releaser pheramones may even attract mates up to 2 miles away. Which explains the need for me to visit Quick Chek and eat a sausage-egg-cheese-hotsauce-breakfast sandwhich I am so attracted to. So, all those not-getting-along sessions can be attributed to pesky chemical markers. So next time you get someone angry or can't pick up a date - check your pheramones.


2. Pedigree Colapse: Why is it you don't have billions of ancestors, when the math suggests you should? Given the increase in ancestors when you start counting grandparents, and the lot of greats before them, you would think you had lots of fore-fathers. Something like 3 million around the black plague time. The thing is, as you move back you start getting common ancestors. For example, statistically 70% of those 3 million ancestors are really some of the same people. Your family tree actually looks more like a diamond. In short. You are inbred. We all are. And we are all related. Think of it as a giant family Thanksgiving dinner. No one can expect to make it to dessert before Uncle Buck starts a thermonuclear war over the last drumstick. Or Cousin Alice starts suicide bombing your sister about past bad-boyfriends. That pesky DNA (common DNA) will keep us from getting along. It's fate. Or rather genes.


3. Law and Order Reruns: Is it really a coincidence that there is a direct correlation between the number of Law and Order shows currently on TV (or in reruns) and the population growth? Or proportional with the increase in violence in the latter part and early part of the last 2 Centuries. Coincidence? Hardly. Current scientific study suggests that every time Robert Gorn of Criminal Intent makes a snarky comment, three cities in the world disappear off the face of the earth. If he tilts his head to the side, then you can also expect an earthquake in the region above a 7.0 on the Rhicter scale. It is also not widely known but the very relationship between Israel and the Arab Middle East hinges on the relationship between Elliot Staler and his on-again-off-again wife. Only until recently with the presidential campaign of red Thompson did people realize the profound effect on politics from the show. Elections are lost or won based on whether the jury at the end of an episode acquits. In fact, there is a persistent rumor in the scientific community that suggests that if the show ends without finding the killer (whether they are convicted or not), then there will be an invasion somewhere. And I think that tides are affected by Sam Waterston's tie choice. So you may not like the all day line-up of NY crime. But beware. Some think if you cancel it, a large black hole will open up in the earth's core. Of course some people think this is all hog wash and attribute all the same to CSI. There is something to be said about Horatio Cae's sun glasses and global warming.

So - to answer your question. No we cannot just get along. With things like floating chemical lures that AKE me look at her butt out there, unending L&O reruns that drive a man insane and cause mass murder, or the fact that I'm related to boss in some distant way will force us to always fight and argue.

There is one bright spot though. One cure out there. It comes from a much maligned, holiday film staring a recently displaced man raised by elves who walked throught the 7 layers of the candy cane forest and through the Lincoln Tunnel. Yes, Elf. It is known as the Code of the Elvs:
1. Treat Every Day Like Christmas.

2. There's Room For Everyone on the ice List.

3. The Best Way to Spread Christmas Ceer is Singing Loud for All to Hear.

There is hope after all. Thanks Budddy!

100 HRB

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You Can Say That Again...You Can Say That Again

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:

Why do "identical" twins have different finger prints?- Not so identical are they?

Irish Twin

A: Dear Celtic Brother,

Having an identical twin certainly does have its benefits: a free friend, an automatic transplant organ source, and a diabolical crime partner. Imagine you rob a bank, or knock-off somebody, and can blame it on your twin. The jury would never know who really committed the crime - and given just DNA evidence - either would Grissolm or the CSI team (no matter how much Prada they wear)! But if you left a fingerprint, it is true, the coppers could tell you apart from your twin. (Or if you have an identifiable tattoo that leads an eyewitness to correctly pick you apart).

Now, if you're being that nitty-gritty about it, identical twins don't exactly have the same DNA. They start out with the same zygoate (single fertilized egg) that splits: so on Day 1 they have the same genetics. But over time the environment inside the womb - and eventually outside - will change the DNA. Even naturally occurring mistakes in gene translation will cause differences. But things like different temperatures, blood flow, food, nutrients, position, etc in the womb can change the genes. Heck, DNA isn't even the same in all parts of your body. (Dr Starr, Stanford U)

Fingerprints are an amplified piece of this puzzle. The pattern of whorls, arches, loops are dermal ridges which are at first determined by genetic code in the baby. Around the 13th week of pregnancy the baby develops these, however immediately they are changed and influenced by the surroundings - ie. mother. Touching the amniotic sac, their face, what they eat, etc. changes the patterns slightly. But the changes are dramatically amplified in the patterns we see and therefore offer a distinguishing feature between twins.

Identical twins, similarly, aren't that identical when born. Their other features and genetics have the same influence of environment. This is all referred to as phenotype - the way we or species look. Genotype (DNA) + environment + random variables = Phenotype.

So yes. That extra helping of General Zhaos chicken when you are preggo could make your kid's fingerprints randomly closer to a mass murderer. You never know.

100 Hour Board

Oh and PS: Chance of having twins 1:40, identical twins 1:240, spontaneous fraternal twins 1:60, two sets of fraternal twins 1:5

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But Officer...

Q: Dear 100 HRB,

All right, time to put you back to work hrb... when does an enforced speed limit go into effect, at the sign itself, or when you lay eyes on it?

Pat

A: Dear Speedy,

A local, municipal police officer pulls over a young businessman driving a new, shiny BMW. Behind mirrored shades, he approaches the window of the car. "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

"Well officer. I tried to get here as quickly as possible."

In order to answer your question, the 100 Hour Board undertook several approaches. General research helped some. So did asking others. We even decided to speed and get caught so we could ask the officer. Several tickets, multiple points, one or two cans of mace, a couple of bail bonds and a new boyfriend named Chuck later, the 100 Hour Board can proudly share what it has learned.

• Police officers find no humor in pork, pig or porcine jokes


• Although it takes a while to dissipate, a constant stream of cool water helps eyes feel better from a direct hit of pepper or mace spray


• Since speed limit signs are posted at highway entrances, it is hard to find opportunity to ask the question


• Judges do not take kindly to answers in the general form of, "well that's stupid..."

But most importantly, speed limit signs mark the exact beginning of a speed limit zone. Not before or after. This is important to remember as you shift zones. For example, if you see a faster speed limit sign and speed up before you get to it, yep - you are speeding. I suppose some officers conveniently forget this fact as they catch you just before the speed limit drop.

So, the 100 HB does not know on what end of the speed limit and whether a ticket is involved in this question. But you can definitively know - and the bruise marks from the nightsticks remind me - that speed changes at the signage.

The real question though (or debate) is that many speed limits are well below the engineered safe speed limit as it offers a significant revenue stream for towns and states. And in the end also insurance companies that are state certified (you pay points). And in recent times, with budget shortfalls, towns and states are increasing their activity and decreasing tolerence for speeding. Is it fair? Probably not. Does it save you in taxes? Maybe a little. Just don't speed. Or at least go the correct speed under conditions - which in many states allows for faster driving given the 'safe flow of traffic'.

Oh - and those shiny CDs used to deter radars only serve as annoying mirror jewelry. No use.

100HB

PS - the 100HB apologizes for the slow speed in response, mostly attributed to the delinquent behavior by one member of the board. They will be appropriately ticketed and the apt punishment meted out. Probably forced to sit in a disabled vehicle on the Cross-Bronx Expressway during rush hour.

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Posting Anon

Q: Dear 100HB,

Why do we call an unidentified dead guy "John Doe" (or of course there's Jane Doe). I assume John/Jane are just common names, but where on earth did the "Doe" part come from???

Regards,

CSI Fan

A: Dear CSI Connoisseur,

If I were your husband I would begin to worry about being a CSI fan. Especially if you're taking notes while watching. I wouldn't want to be unidentifiable later.

But your question is an interesting one, considering the history of this term comes from one region where it isn't used any more, and is popular in another. In America John Doe is used for an unidentified person, generally a dead one because a live one could usually tell you who they are. Unless they are really old and forget, or a boxer. But John Doe can also be used in court cases where the defendant (usually) isn't know or named.

Of course we have expanded this usage to include a variety of sexes and relations: Jane Doe, and for siblings, James, Judy, etc., and children - Baby Doe. Although Precious Doe has been used for a child also (at least in one case in KC). So where do they come from?

The 100HB first turned to the local University morgue for an answer. We figured that those workers who dealt with and studied unidentified bodies may know the term's history. So please imagine the the 100HB journeying to the deep, dark dungeon of the hospital, echoing steps along the tiled, serpentine hallways. The lights flicker, a chilled wind passes and we enter through double steel doors in to the morgue. Walls of brushed, mirrored boxes each with its own occupant. Sheets lay over subtle forms, punctuated by the pungent smell of chemicals and death. Our mortician hovers over the latest customer, saw in one hand, and a roast beef sandwich in the other. Ok, not really. But you get the idea.

The morgue's take on our term's origins? John Doe was used in English law as a legal term for a familiar case study.

But is it true? Yes!

John Doe was invented in England, is now used in America (and Canada somewhat) and no longer in England. In the reign of King Edward III (mid 14th Century) John Doe and Richard Roe were two names used to describe a generic property case where the landlord Doe leases and then ejects Roe. The names do not mean anything (although Doe is a female deer and Roe is a small English deer), but they stuck. Both terms are now used in American law, and by extension to 'identify' unknown bodies. In fact the Roe in Roe v Wade is such a fictitious name.

So what do they use in England? John Smith or Joe Bloggs. However according to Dickson in What's in a Name, John Doe and Richard Roe are required in legal proceedings for the 1st and 2nd names (followed by John Stiles and Richard Miles.

And in other countries? A lot use some type of NN: nomen nescio, Latin for I don't know the name. But Fulan(o) is also common (Brazil, Middle East, etc.) and in France it is Jean Dupont.

But John Doe is also the name of the creepy serial killer in Seven, who kills according to the seven deadly sins (lust, gluttany, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride). He finishes the movie in one of the twisted endings in movie history. Much scarier than just an unknown body.

100HB

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Gunshot, rings out like a bell...

Q: Dear Science-Minded 100 Hour Board:

Here is one that has been bugging me since I had a friend ask me this question and could not provide a good answer.Often in television crime and law shows they flout the crime scene investigators ability to match individual recovered bullets to the guns that they have been fired from due to distinct markings that are left behind on the fired round from the rifling in the firearm. Furthermore, they claim that each and every firing pin (the part which strikes the primer, setting off the cartage) leaves a distinct mark on each spent casing. With how much reliability can crime scene investigators match guns to bullets and casings? I'm skeptical of this science due to the precise manufacturing standards that modern firearms seem to be subject to, and the many variables (such as powder and lead fouling in the barrels) which undoubtedly alter the effects a gun has on rounds (altho very slightly) each time a round is fired. Is this hype that "CSI", "Law and Order", and every other crime show on television in love with grounded in sound practice, or is it another hollywood-hyped fairytale? Hope you are up for the challenge!By the way, roast beef sounds great right now! :)
Sincerely,
Grissolm

A: Dear Purveyor of CSI Myth,

This is a tricky one. Because the answer is yes AND no. Let me dive in a little to help you some.
First off, obviously most TV crime dramas are exaggerated. You have people like Horatio Cane solving crimes, making arrests and even leading a SWAT team into a den of Columbian drug lords (while wearing shades). If my public servants were able to wear Prada and drive Hummers I'd be a little PO'd. So it throws out the window police procedure, reality and even common sense. Then all the available technology (real or imagined) is there at the push of a button. So we obviously take this with a grain of salt.
But...there is some truth to ballistic forensics. Ballistic forensics is made up of four parts: internal, transition, external and impact ballistics. These are fairly obvious, and lead to examples like laser targeting, trajectory, distance to victim, etc. You are interested in internal, the path through the gun.
Ballistic fingerprinting (or better ballistic signature) is the science (yes a science) of matching a bullet and/or casing to the gun that fired it. First the bullet type is identified to rule out gun types (.22 cal from a .22cal gun, etc.) Bullets do leave striations (lines and markings) caused by travel down a barrel. Typically these are unique to gun type and manufacturer. Smith & Wesson has a right turn rifling in the barrel that leaves distinct marks, number of turns per inch, etc. These can help investigators narrow down gun type. Or even better, eliminate guns from consideration (not the weapon used). You are generally correct, manufacturing methods make reliable grooves from barrel to barrel. However, polishing can't always take out imperfections and wear can affect the look of the bullet. So 'fingerprints' can change over time. This CAN help identify guns.
But bullets are often deformed. Cartridge identification is even better - because they are intact - and can identify make, model, etc.
Generally ballistic fingerprinting gives a: yes, no or maybe answer. And variations in all of the above can lead to a distinct matching of firearm to bullet. But forget databases. The two that are functioning (Maryland and California) have yet to solve a crime (according to the Maryland State Police and CADOJ).
These signatures can be altered and 'cleaned up' but not every criminal is all that smart. (They still don't all wear gloves). So...yes it can be very effective. But it isn't the over-exaggerated 'reality' portrayed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

(Yes this is an overdo response. The 100 Hour Board apologizes for the delay in answering and will do better next time. Please don't put the bullet fingerprinting to the test b/c of this!)
Regards,
Mac Taylor

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Not exactly white on white ties...

Q: Dear Sultan of All Knowledge,

If one wanted to hire a hitman? I mean literally given our situation, how would you find one?

Regards,

Looking to do '80' years

A: Dear My Ever Growing Felon,

Oh my, oh my. Who in your life has gotten so under your skin you want to bump them off? Did you want it nice and clean - perhaps a bomb hooked to the car ignition, or slow and painful...perhaps a la SAW style? Your choice?
It is obviously not in the interest of the 100 Hour Board to offer any advice that may lead directly or indirectly to illegal activities. And even if we did, who knows if it will lead you to life sans your nemesis, or life behind bars. ;)
The news is full of stories of idiots who tried to go to the local divebar and hire them a hitman. Usually it works like this...ask a non-reputable friend, preferably one who has done time, if they know someone in the business. They go to the police. They even videotape your conversations as a future keepsake. And then a horrible news article is written about why you wanted to kill your husband because he wouldn't stop chewing gum.
Occasionally there are websites set up offering various hitman services, even some that profess to use humane 'treatments' that have never been tested on animals. Some are real - and lead to an embarrassing arrest - others obvious jokes. Craigslist may be a good start. "YSWM looking for contract work. I like long walks on the beach and using a .22 cal, silenced gun."
One guy looked in the paper, not for classifieds but for the latest person up on racketeering charges. Might as well go to the mob I suppose. (The same idea if you walked into any North Jersey diner. It may even be on the menu - have you seen those menus!)
My best bet is to try the local experts. Call the police. I bet they know the best contract killers in the area, even the going rates. And again, they'll videotape your meetings to guarantee good business. You may even get a pair of shiny bracelets for free.
Regards,
100 Hour Board
We are not liable for any advice or activities taken from or suggested in the above article.

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