Can We All Just Get Along?

Q: Perhaps the next question should be "Can we ALL get along?"

Regards,

Snarky 80

A: Dear "Accident"

In this wonderful time of year, the Holiday cheer, the message of Christmas and the desire to be warm to each other despite the chill outside, fills our hearts with depression. We want to share our love for one another, come together and be a little kinder. Some of us, hot chocolate kissing our lips, glitter spread across our kiesters, and fit into sweats to accommodate our expanding Holiday waist lines, take up the call to arms of Rodney King and ask if "can we all get along?"

And then that SUV cuts you off for the last parking space at the mall.

No.

We cannot all get along.

And there are three profound scientific reasons we cannot.

1. Phermones: Yes, those pesky little chemical triggers we release that inspire a natural response in other people. And I'm not talking about post-eggnog exhaust. There are the territorial markers that tell us to keep away or else. Which is why the 100 Hr Board has taken up marking the outside of our cars when we park in parking lots. All it takes is a couple of sodas. Just mind the frost. There are also epideictic pheramones that let other women know, "uh-uh you best not be touching my man and home. This is my crib girlfriend." (I think the chemical even does a little head shake too, while the extended molecular arm waves its chemical finger - so to speak). Of course there are sexual pheramones that start fights, scuffles, couch-sleeping and even inter-galactic war. It isn't the man's fault his head turns to look at a cute younger woman honey - chemistry made me do it. Releaser pheramones may even attract mates up to 2 miles away. Which explains the need for me to visit Quick Chek and eat a sausage-egg-cheese-hotsauce-breakfast sandwhich I am so attracted to. So, all those not-getting-along sessions can be attributed to pesky chemical markers. So next time you get someone angry or can't pick up a date - check your pheramones.


2. Pedigree Colapse: Why is it you don't have billions of ancestors, when the math suggests you should? Given the increase in ancestors when you start counting grandparents, and the lot of greats before them, you would think you had lots of fore-fathers. Something like 3 million around the black plague time. The thing is, as you move back you start getting common ancestors. For example, statistically 70% of those 3 million ancestors are really some of the same people. Your family tree actually looks more like a diamond. In short. You are inbred. We all are. And we are all related. Think of it as a giant family Thanksgiving dinner. No one can expect to make it to dessert before Uncle Buck starts a thermonuclear war over the last drumstick. Or Cousin Alice starts suicide bombing your sister about past bad-boyfriends. That pesky DNA (common DNA) will keep us from getting along. It's fate. Or rather genes.


3. Law and Order Reruns: Is it really a coincidence that there is a direct correlation between the number of Law and Order shows currently on TV (or in reruns) and the population growth? Or proportional with the increase in violence in the latter part and early part of the last 2 Centuries. Coincidence? Hardly. Current scientific study suggests that every time Robert Gorn of Criminal Intent makes a snarky comment, three cities in the world disappear off the face of the earth. If he tilts his head to the side, then you can also expect an earthquake in the region above a 7.0 on the Rhicter scale. It is also not widely known but the very relationship between Israel and the Arab Middle East hinges on the relationship between Elliot Staler and his on-again-off-again wife. Only until recently with the presidential campaign of red Thompson did people realize the profound effect on politics from the show. Elections are lost or won based on whether the jury at the end of an episode acquits. In fact, there is a persistent rumor in the scientific community that suggests that if the show ends without finding the killer (whether they are convicted or not), then there will be an invasion somewhere. And I think that tides are affected by Sam Waterston's tie choice. So you may not like the all day line-up of NY crime. But beware. Some think if you cancel it, a large black hole will open up in the earth's core. Of course some people think this is all hog wash and attribute all the same to CSI. There is something to be said about Horatio Cae's sun glasses and global warming.

So - to answer your question. No we cannot just get along. With things like floating chemical lures that AKE me look at her butt out there, unending L&O reruns that drive a man insane and cause mass murder, or the fact that I'm related to boss in some distant way will force us to always fight and argue.

There is one bright spot though. One cure out there. It comes from a much maligned, holiday film staring a recently displaced man raised by elves who walked throught the 7 layers of the candy cane forest and through the Lincoln Tunnel. Yes, Elf. It is known as the Code of the Elvs:
1. Treat Every Day Like Christmas.

2. There's Room For Everyone on the ice List.

3. The Best Way to Spread Christmas Ceer is Singing Loud for All to Hear.

There is hope after all. Thanks Budddy!

100 HRB

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But Officer...

Q: Dear 100 HRB,

All right, time to put you back to work hrb... when does an enforced speed limit go into effect, at the sign itself, or when you lay eyes on it?

Pat

A: Dear Speedy,

A local, municipal police officer pulls over a young businessman driving a new, shiny BMW. Behind mirrored shades, he approaches the window of the car. "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

"Well officer. I tried to get here as quickly as possible."

In order to answer your question, the 100 Hour Board undertook several approaches. General research helped some. So did asking others. We even decided to speed and get caught so we could ask the officer. Several tickets, multiple points, one or two cans of mace, a couple of bail bonds and a new boyfriend named Chuck later, the 100 Hour Board can proudly share what it has learned.

• Police officers find no humor in pork, pig or porcine jokes


• Although it takes a while to dissipate, a constant stream of cool water helps eyes feel better from a direct hit of pepper or mace spray


• Since speed limit signs are posted at highway entrances, it is hard to find opportunity to ask the question


• Judges do not take kindly to answers in the general form of, "well that's stupid..."

But most importantly, speed limit signs mark the exact beginning of a speed limit zone. Not before or after. This is important to remember as you shift zones. For example, if you see a faster speed limit sign and speed up before you get to it, yep - you are speeding. I suppose some officers conveniently forget this fact as they catch you just before the speed limit drop.

So, the 100 HB does not know on what end of the speed limit and whether a ticket is involved in this question. But you can definitively know - and the bruise marks from the nightsticks remind me - that speed changes at the signage.

The real question though (or debate) is that many speed limits are well below the engineered safe speed limit as it offers a significant revenue stream for towns and states. And in the end also insurance companies that are state certified (you pay points). And in recent times, with budget shortfalls, towns and states are increasing their activity and decreasing tolerence for speeding. Is it fair? Probably not. Does it save you in taxes? Maybe a little. Just don't speed. Or at least go the correct speed under conditions - which in many states allows for faster driving given the 'safe flow of traffic'.

Oh - and those shiny CDs used to deter radars only serve as annoying mirror jewelry. No use.

100HB

PS - the 100HB apologizes for the slow speed in response, mostly attributed to the delinquent behavior by one member of the board. They will be appropriately ticketed and the apt punishment meted out. Probably forced to sit in a disabled vehicle on the Cross-Bronx Expressway during rush hour.

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