Not exactly white on white ties...

Q: Dear Sultan of All Knowledge,

If one wanted to hire a hitman? I mean literally given our situation, how would you find one?

Regards,

Looking to do '80' years

A: Dear My Ever Growing Felon,

Oh my, oh my. Who in your life has gotten so under your skin you want to bump them off? Did you want it nice and clean - perhaps a bomb hooked to the car ignition, or slow and painful...perhaps a la SAW style? Your choice?
It is obviously not in the interest of the 100 Hour Board to offer any advice that may lead directly or indirectly to illegal activities. And even if we did, who knows if it will lead you to life sans your nemesis, or life behind bars. ;)
The news is full of stories of idiots who tried to go to the local divebar and hire them a hitman. Usually it works like this...ask a non-reputable friend, preferably one who has done time, if they know someone in the business. They go to the police. They even videotape your conversations as a future keepsake. And then a horrible news article is written about why you wanted to kill your husband because he wouldn't stop chewing gum.
Occasionally there are websites set up offering various hitman services, even some that profess to use humane 'treatments' that have never been tested on animals. Some are real - and lead to an embarrassing arrest - others obvious jokes. Craigslist may be a good start. "YSWM looking for contract work. I like long walks on the beach and using a .22 cal, silenced gun."
One guy looked in the paper, not for classifieds but for the latest person up on racketeering charges. Might as well go to the mob I suppose. (The same idea if you walked into any North Jersey diner. It may even be on the menu - have you seen those menus!)
My best bet is to try the local experts. Call the police. I bet they know the best contract killers in the area, even the going rates. And again, they'll videotape your meetings to guarantee good business. You may even get a pair of shiny bracelets for free.
Regards,
100 Hour Board
We are not liable for any advice or activities taken from or suggested in the above article.