When Hell Freezes Over

Q: Dear Master 100 Hour Board:

If you were a masochist in life, wouldn't it be a reward to be sent to hell and punishment to be sent to heaven?

Signed,
Please hurt me

A: Dear Sadist of the Self

A sadist and a masochist meet at a bar. After several drinks the masochist suggests that the take off, go to his house and 'have fun'. The sadist replies, "no."

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:"Cindy, you have sinned."

I hope you see the wisdom in there somewhere.

Regards,
I'll visit you from heaven

PS
Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Continue Reading...

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
They say there is more than one way to skin a cat, but how many ways are there to do said skinning? Furthermore, for what practical reasons would one be required to skin a cat?
Regards,
Hannibal Lector

A: Dear Favabean and Liver Connoisseur,

I'm worried about you and your predilections for cruelty to small animals. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up in some scary house of torture puzzles to try and escape from, only to find out that it was all one of your twisted games...ok enough Saw reruns.
"To skin a cat" is not a new idiom in the English language. Some claim that it comes from a Southern phrase referring to catfish - or cat for short - and hence is used in preparing lunch. But that just seems to be a local use of the phrase, history points to earlier use. It was recorded in John Ray's 1678 book of English proverbs (proverb? really? there's a difference between 'early to rise early to bed...' and skinning a cat). It has shown up in several books, including Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain, "she was wise, subtle, and knew more than one way to skin a cat”, that is, more than one way to get what she wanted. Apparently they needed fresh skinned cats back in 1889, or maybe that's medieval times, or who knows!

I've found multiple references to skinning a cat - including actual skinning a cat, step-by-step photo instructions. (As part of a standard dissection procedure, mind you!) But that's just gross - or too medical. I'd offer you one stanza from a poem of three ways on "How to skin a cat" by Sarah Willians but she's a little deranged. So...although I can't find a finite number, I bet there are infinite, hence the saying, I am assured there are at least 101 according to one list. My favorites:

• Hold it by its tail. Shake vigorously
• Wrap duct tape around it. Pull off quickly
• Chemotherapy
• Paint it white and take it to a sheep shearing contest

Although admittedly some of these suggestions are less about skinning and either just about shaving it or sadistic (use it as a lance or shield in a joust). And some of the actual entries are more about uses of a skinned cat, "shave a message in the fur and send it to an enemy." Apparently the use of a messaged cat is so frequent this must be a major reason to skin one.

As to actual uses, I'm sure there are a good deal them. In fact I'm certain that several countries serve cat much in the same way catfish is in the South. This is the primary reason - though rest assured that cat meat is hard to get in the US and illegal. But do watch out for Chinese restaurants that offer to 'walk the cat.' Or rather 'wok the cat.' But I offer some original uses.

• To pass a regular cat off as Mr. Bigglesworth
• To participate in the Body Worlds traveling exhibit
• Nothing like a cat-skin stole to keep you warm

I don't want to get too creative in case you are inspired to make my kitties go missing.

Now, skinning the cat is also a jungle-gym move, involving hanging by your hands, raising your legs and feet up through your arms and flipping over. Although there is only one way to do this, so I don't think this is your intended idiomatic meaning.

Regards,

Protector of Felines

Continue Reading...

Let Us Think...

Q: Dear 100 Hour Board:
I usually stay away from things like this. I might read for entertainment purpose. But really, can one person know ALL! After days of struggling with this quandary, I am swinging the question your way. Let us test your knowledge, or at least if you Wonder 8 Ball is working. So here it goes: Oh Great 100 Hour Board, will the sister of one be able to attach the glitter to her appendage? Please try to come up with your answer within those 100 hours, time is an essence. Challenge yourself, try 99 hours.

A: Dear Interested in Short Cuts:

Ask Again Later.

Regards, Magic 8-Ball

Continue Reading...

Time After Time

Q: Dear 100-hour board,
Is the concept which we know as "time" a fundamentally man-made concept, divine creation, or natural law? Hope you aren't 'late' to provide an answer, seeing as how this mysterious concept called time governs the all-powerful board it's self!
BBB

A: Dear Clock Confused:

The 100 Hour Board finally feels challenged by such a wide and deep topic as brought up in your question, and hopes there is sufficient…um…well time to address this issue. I will try to keep the conversation above the deep philosophical, religious and scientific trenches one can stumble into when wading this ocean of inquiry. But I can only try.

Time is Relative (Philosophy)
Interestingly to note, time is viewed to be one of two general concepts, championed by Newton and Leibniz. I say interestingly because these two physicist/scientist/philosophers were constantly at odds in their work – for example arguing on fundamental approaches to calculus (both were right – we use derivatives AND integrals – one stemming from each). Newton, and all realists, believe time is a fundamental, integral part of the universe. And all events occur in a sequence separated by this dimension of time. Leibniz however held that time was purely a human creation, to help the comprehension of interrelated events.
Many a philosopher have argued this, some holding time is unreal, others that it is fundamental to existence. And it isn’t a new argument – with records back to 5BC and also some from St. Augustine.

Tesseracts (Science)
Philosophy and science meld into one gray area, especially in older science, but modern physics holds that time is a fundamental unit of the universe. It has a direction (although Steven Hawking suggests that perhaps we are traveling backward in time and don’t realize it) generally forward. (“Lisa – in this household we obey the Laws of Entropy” Homer Simpson) Time is relative in motion and in relation to events, but was fixed in relation to the speed of light (300K km/second) by Einstein. This constant helps fix time (with space) as real. (Though we can now technically stop and freeze light – but that’s a different entry). And Einstein was a proponent of spacetime – that space (distance) and time are tied in one ‘substance’ like mass. So it bends, forms and has character.
This is all well and good – but remember that science is always a model of ‘reality’, a representation that fits mathematically. What is real is left to metaphysics (see above).

And the Sun Stood Still (Religion)
Most all main religions describe time as real and a part of God. (Thomas Acquinas uses this when he proves God’s existence by discussing God’s existing before us – Ontological proofs) Some believe it is cyclical, others linear. Though for Judeo-Christians there is relative time – think of God’s day and man’s. In the LDS Church, time is a fundamental part of God and life. God’s time is ‘slower’ relatively, Abraham shows that ‘one day’ for the Lord is a 1000 years. Events occur in succession (creation, 2nd Coming, etc.) although the Atonement is infinite. All things have a law that determines ‘times and seasons.’ Some stumble on statements like “all time being before the Lord,” but this is more a statement of omniscience than the non-existence of time.

So what is the truth? Depends on what is real. The 100 Hour Board firmly believes it is real and fundamental. And we’ve already taken up too much of yours.

Regards,
Father Time

Continue Reading...

Fundemental Numbers

Q: Dear 100? Hour Board,
How many licks does it take to reach the center of a tootsie pop? It may be an aged old question, but I mean the owl in the dumb commercial toys with you by biting it by the third time. Does is vary on saliva excretion or what? Perhaps the Rolling Stones offered the true answer with "40 Licks," but honestly how many?
And on that note, how many hours does it take to get to the center of a 100-hour Board Question?
Regards,
80? 90? Whatever it Takes
A: Dear Lick Confused:
This is an age old question - or at least dates back to 1970 when the first Tootsie Roll Pop commercial aired discussing the question, "How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of Tootsie Roll pop?" Now I have never scientifically tried this out, owing to the fact that once I get to the thin barrier of remaining sucker around the tootsie roll I stop and discard the pop. I hate Tootsie Rolls, I'd rather drink Caro syrup (you know who you are!!) than eat it. So I never get to the center. It's like an asymptote in math - it never quite meets the answer and continues on to infinity.
Now there have been multiple responses and some scientific studies into this problem - the Sweets Company of America state they have received over 50,000 responses to the question ranging all over the place (from 100 to over 5000). They also site 3 studies:
Engineering students at Purdue built a tongue-licking machine that tested pops. Their number? 364. 20 Humans tried it also and averaged 252 licks.
A U Mich engineering student recorded his licking machine took 411
Swathmore students tried a human trial that averaged 144 licks
Interestingly, an elementary school study said it takes an average 9 minutes to get there.
It all comes down to some fundamental questions - like: what is defined by a lick? Are they the same every time? Do you rotate the pop? Do you count licking in the same place to the center? What other hobby could you pick up besides trying this out? Are you Gene Simmons and have an abnormally large tongue?
If you'd like to view the video please see below:(I couldn't get the video uploaded for some reason - please rely on the link) Commercial
Regards,
Sweet Tooth 100 Hour Board

Continue Reading...

Gunshot, rings out like a bell...

Q: Dear Science-Minded 100 Hour Board:

Here is one that has been bugging me since I had a friend ask me this question and could not provide a good answer.Often in television crime and law shows they flout the crime scene investigators ability to match individual recovered bullets to the guns that they have been fired from due to distinct markings that are left behind on the fired round from the rifling in the firearm. Furthermore, they claim that each and every firing pin (the part which strikes the primer, setting off the cartage) leaves a distinct mark on each spent casing. With how much reliability can crime scene investigators match guns to bullets and casings? I'm skeptical of this science due to the precise manufacturing standards that modern firearms seem to be subject to, and the many variables (such as powder and lead fouling in the barrels) which undoubtedly alter the effects a gun has on rounds (altho very slightly) each time a round is fired. Is this hype that "CSI", "Law and Order", and every other crime show on television in love with grounded in sound practice, or is it another hollywood-hyped fairytale? Hope you are up for the challenge!By the way, roast beef sounds great right now! :)
Sincerely,
Grissolm

A: Dear Purveyor of CSI Myth,

This is a tricky one. Because the answer is yes AND no. Let me dive in a little to help you some.
First off, obviously most TV crime dramas are exaggerated. You have people like Horatio Cane solving crimes, making arrests and even leading a SWAT team into a den of Columbian drug lords (while wearing shades). If my public servants were able to wear Prada and drive Hummers I'd be a little PO'd. So it throws out the window police procedure, reality and even common sense. Then all the available technology (real or imagined) is there at the push of a button. So we obviously take this with a grain of salt.
But...there is some truth to ballistic forensics. Ballistic forensics is made up of four parts: internal, transition, external and impact ballistics. These are fairly obvious, and lead to examples like laser targeting, trajectory, distance to victim, etc. You are interested in internal, the path through the gun.
Ballistic fingerprinting (or better ballistic signature) is the science (yes a science) of matching a bullet and/or casing to the gun that fired it. First the bullet type is identified to rule out gun types (.22 cal from a .22cal gun, etc.) Bullets do leave striations (lines and markings) caused by travel down a barrel. Typically these are unique to gun type and manufacturer. Smith & Wesson has a right turn rifling in the barrel that leaves distinct marks, number of turns per inch, etc. These can help investigators narrow down gun type. Or even better, eliminate guns from consideration (not the weapon used). You are generally correct, manufacturing methods make reliable grooves from barrel to barrel. However, polishing can't always take out imperfections and wear can affect the look of the bullet. So 'fingerprints' can change over time. This CAN help identify guns.
But bullets are often deformed. Cartridge identification is even better - because they are intact - and can identify make, model, etc.
Generally ballistic fingerprinting gives a: yes, no or maybe answer. And variations in all of the above can lead to a distinct matching of firearm to bullet. But forget databases. The two that are functioning (Maryland and California) have yet to solve a crime (according to the Maryland State Police and CADOJ).
These signatures can be altered and 'cleaned up' but not every criminal is all that smart. (They still don't all wear gloves). So...yes it can be very effective. But it isn't the over-exaggerated 'reality' portrayed by Jerry Bruckheimer.

(Yes this is an overdo response. The 100 Hour Board apologizes for the delay in answering and will do better next time. Please don't put the bullet fingerprinting to the test b/c of this!)
Regards,
Mac Taylor

Continue Reading...

Not exactly white on white ties...

Q: Dear Sultan of All Knowledge,

If one wanted to hire a hitman? I mean literally given our situation, how would you find one?

Regards,

Looking to do '80' years

A: Dear My Ever Growing Felon,

Oh my, oh my. Who in your life has gotten so under your skin you want to bump them off? Did you want it nice and clean - perhaps a bomb hooked to the car ignition, or slow and painful...perhaps a la SAW style? Your choice?
It is obviously not in the interest of the 100 Hour Board to offer any advice that may lead directly or indirectly to illegal activities. And even if we did, who knows if it will lead you to life sans your nemesis, or life behind bars. ;)
The news is full of stories of idiots who tried to go to the local divebar and hire them a hitman. Usually it works like this...ask a non-reputable friend, preferably one who has done time, if they know someone in the business. They go to the police. They even videotape your conversations as a future keepsake. And then a horrible news article is written about why you wanted to kill your husband because he wouldn't stop chewing gum.
Occasionally there are websites set up offering various hitman services, even some that profess to use humane 'treatments' that have never been tested on animals. Some are real - and lead to an embarrassing arrest - others obvious jokes. Craigslist may be a good start. "YSWM looking for contract work. I like long walks on the beach and using a .22 cal, silenced gun."
One guy looked in the paper, not for classifieds but for the latest person up on racketeering charges. Might as well go to the mob I suppose. (The same idea if you walked into any North Jersey diner. It may even be on the menu - have you seen those menus!)
My best bet is to try the local experts. Call the police. I bet they know the best contract killers in the area, even the going rates. And again, they'll videotape your meetings to guarantee good business. You may even get a pair of shiny bracelets for free.
Regards,
100 Hour Board
We are not liable for any advice or activities taken from or suggested in the above article.

Continue Reading...

I'm Thinking...

Q: Dear 'Food-Fanatic' 100 Hour Board,
Can you tell me where Arby's got their name from? We were driving in the car the other day and Mom mentioned something about R.B.s, like short for Roast Beef. Can you shed some light on this very important topic???
Sincerely,
Eating Beef 'n Cheddar In the Dark

A: Dear Roast Beef Aficionado,

I so desperately wanted to call Arby's up and find out the answer to your quandary. So I offer you a transcript.
Ring
Standard prompts
"In order to better serve you, your phonecall may be recorded." How does that person get a job at EVERY phone center in the US. It's like the 411 lady, "OK, I can help you with that."
Arby's Rep (AR): Thank you for calling Arby's, how may I help you?
100 HB: Yes. Thanks. I was calling regarding a question I have about Arby's.
AR: I can help you with that, sir. What is your question?
100 HB: Yes. My wife and I are having a debate regarding the name Arby's. I believe that Arby's stands for the founder of the restaurant chain. She thinks that it stands for Roast Beef. We have a Crispy Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwich riding on this, so please help me out.
AR: Chuckle No problem sir, I can help you with that. Arby's is named for the company founders, Leroy and Forrest Raffel, the Raffel Brothers, also R.B.
100 HB: That is quite interesting - thanks so much. I rarely am right with my wife, this will help.
AR: Trying to hid the chuckle. Not a problem sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?
100 HB: Oh, yes, one more thing...what ever happened to the Oven Mitt. I miss him.
AR: Oven Mitt is helping out in our community service efforts. Working with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America.
100 HB: You mean there are lots of little oven mitts running around that need help?
AR: I can feel the smile on the phone. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?
100 HB: Nope that's good. You won me a Crispy Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwich. I'll send you half if you'd like.
AR: No thank you sir, that will not be necessary.
100 HB: Well... thanks then. You've been most helpful.
AR: My pleasure. Please fill free to call again with any more questions. And you can look at our website, http://www.arbys.com/, at anytime for more information.
100 HB: Thank you.
AR: Have a nice day.
100 HB: You too.

I'm thinking Arby's now. Too bad that Rhode Island doesn't have any in the state. (Vermont either). : (

Regards,
Craving the RB

Continue Reading...